Blessing in the Storm

I Mastered It!

My Road To Academic Success

God has been good to me!!

It has been quite some time since I last expressed my thoughts through my blog. The reason for my absence was mainly due to my pursuit of two master’s degrees within a span of three years. I must admit that the journey was far from easy. Countless long nights, all-nighters spent writing, and sleepless nights were just a few of my many challenges. However, pursuing education was my lifelong dream, making every sacrifice worth it. I firmly believe that God always helps us find blessings in the midst of a storm. Even during the most challenging times, He always gives us something to celebrate. For this reason, I will always express my gratitude and admiration for His unwavering love and support.

Adolescent Academia

I never perceived myself as an exceptional academic scholar during my younger years. The feeling of accomplishment I experienced from receiving a C on a test was wonderful as I knew I had exercised great effort to earn that grade. However, there was one high school subject that I adored – history. In fact, it was the only course where I consistently earned A’s. My cousins, who were like my siblings, were excellent students and role models when I was growing up.

I was determined to attend college someday and demonstrate to myself that I could flourish in higher education.

Not Yet Ready, But Life Goes On

When I began college straight out of high school, I wasn’t prepared. I struggled to manage my time, spending too much time partying and not enough on my studies. As a result, I left college with a low GPA of 1.5, feeling heartbroken and disappointed, but life was just beginning.

Since then, I have lived a full life. I got married, started a family, and raised two beautiful and intelligent daughters. Going back to school was a challenge, given Michael’s military career and the demands of raising a family. I juggled work and parenting, sometimes working outside the home and other times staying home with my girls. Through it all, I have had some truly life-changing experiences that I will never forget.

Real-Life History

My Out-of-School Experience

When I reached my early thirties, I had an opportunity to return to school. Surprisingly, I found myself thriving in my studies. However, this was a time when online classes were not yet an option, so I had to physically attend classes. I attended Pikes Peak University for one year, but of course, it was time for our family to relocate to a new duty station, which meant that I had to leave school once again. It would be four years before I could resume my studies.

Despite this setback, we were fortunate enough to live in New York, and I gave birth to our second daughter less than a year later; we were PCSing to Europe. During this time, I was privileged to experience the rich history of Germany firsthand. As Michael carried out his military duties, I had the opportunity to travel extensively throughout Germany, France, Italy, and Poland. This allowed me to visit all the places I had previously studied, bringing the knowledge I had gained to life.

My Germany Highlights

My journey to Europe was a wonderful experience, with Germany being the highlight of my trip. The memories of my visit to some of the best German bakeries, where I indulged in the most delicious Brotchen, still linger in my mind. I also fondly recall savoring the taste of authentic Bratwurst and Pommes Frites frits before my gluten allergies took over. The Christkindlmarkts (Christmas Markets) was a particular favorite, where the crisp winter air on my face, the aroma of roasted nuts, delicious chocolates, mulled wine, and hot cider made for a delightful sensory experience.

Heidelberg Christmas Market

Touring the Trier Cathedral was a unique opportunity and the most beautiful church I have ever seen. It houses the robe of Christ, though it was not on display during our visit. Nonetheless, when I entered the room where it is kept, I felt an unexplainable sense of peace, and the splendor of the cathedral is forever etched in my memory.

Trier Saint Peter’s Cathedral/ https://www.en.dominformation.de

When we visited the Dachau Concentration Camp in Munich, it was an incredibly haunting experience. We took a tour with the USO from the General Patton Hotel in Garmish, Germany (Which has since been returned to the Germans and converted into a retirement community). As soon as we stepped off the bus, I felt a sense of unease that lingered throughout the entire visit. Our tour group was diverse, with people of all ages, but there was a somberness that hung in the air. Even the children were well-behaved, and even the infants seemed to sense the weight of the place.

We began our tour by walking from the exhibition hall to the section where political prisoners were held. The stories of those who suffered there echoed in my mind. As we moved on, we went outside to a large open field. This is the space where the bunkers used to be for the Jewish prisoners. One of them had been reconstructed for the museum, and it was a chilling reminder of the harsh conditions that prisoners endured.

The most upsetting part of the tour was when we entered the crematorium and observed ovens and the gas chambers. It was a stark reminder of the atrocities committed during that dark time in history. It was a moment of reflection and a reminder of the importance of never forgetting the past.

Dachau Concentration Camp 1933–1945/ — Dachau Concentration Camp 1933–1945 © KZ-Gedenkstätte Dachau

Despite the heaviness of the visit, there was a positive aspect to our tour. It served as a reminder of the resilience of the human spirit and the importance of standing up against injustice. It was a powerful and educational experience that left a lasting impact on me. We were fortunate enough to have an encounter with a valiant African American soldier who had played a crucial role in the liberation of Dachau. It was an incredibly touching moment for all of us to witness this hero’s return to the site after so many years. The emotional impact was so profound that several of us, including myself, were moved to tears.

During my time in Germany, I made it my mission to visit the magnificent Neuschwanstein Castle, which had long been a dream of mine. The awe-inspiring views from the castle’s highest point were truly breathtaking and provided a sense of tranquility that only nature can evoke as I was witnessing God’s own handiwork firsthand.

I hope to share some of the photos I took during my visit once I find them. However, our stay in Europe was nearing completion and it was time to bid farewell to Germany. It was an educational and enlightening experience, but it was time to return home and refocus my attention on school.

Finally, Back To School

Originally posted on Business2Community.com:

During the course of 3 ½ years, our family had the pleasure of residing in Germany, creating unforgettable memories that we still cherish today. Upon our return to the United States, Michael made it his mission to break the generational stereotype by ensuring that every member of our family would become college graduates. He began by pursuing his bachelor’s and master’s degrees, which he successfully completed.

I was inspired by his determination and commitment, and in 2011 I enrolled in classes. Though it took time to get started, I was overjoyed to finally begin my academic pursuits. In the same year, my eldest daughter earned her associate degree, and in 2014, she proudly earned her bachelor’s degree. With two more of us yet to complete our degrees, we remain committed to our goal of achieving higher education and breaking generational stereotypes.

During my time in school, I faced numerous challenges that made it difficult for me to attend full-time. I had to work and take care of my family, which meant that I could only attend school half-time. However, thanks to modern technological advances, I was able to continue my education online. I decided to take two classes every semester, with occasional breaks during the summer.

In 2016, I was in the middle of the spring semester when we received some devastating news. Michael was diagnosed with stage 4 non-small cell lung cancer. It was a shock that turned our lives upside down. I knew that I had to be there for him, so I made the difficult yet easy decision to take time off from school to care for him.

Over the next few months, Michael fought courageously against the disease. We went through countless doctor’s appointments, treatments, and hospital stays. It was emotionally and physically draining, but we never lost hope. We held onto the belief that he would beat the odds and come out on the other side.

Unfortunately, in October 2016, Michael passed away from the disease. It was a devastating blow for me and my girls. We were heartbroken and struggled to come to terms with our loss. It was a difficult time, but we knew that we had to take time to care for ourselves and each other. We knew that he was in heaven and was no longer suffering.

We took the time to grieve and heal. We leaned on each other for support and sought comfort in our shared memories of my husband. It wasn’t easy, but we slowly began to rebuild our lives. We focused on taking care of ourselves and finding joy in the little things. I am also grateful for the support of my girls and the strength we found in each other. We have come a long way since that devastating day in 2016, and we continue to move forward, one step at a time.

In March 2017, I received a call from my school, and my advisor told me that I had only three classes left to graduate. This was a bittersweet moment for me. It was a challenging time as I had to balance my grieving process with school. However, I was determined to finish.

There were days when it was difficult to concentrate when the weight of my loss felt overwhelming. But I reminded myself that my husband would have wanted me to succeed. He believed in me and my abilities, and I couldn’t let him down. But more importantly, I could not let myself down. I sought support from my family and friends, who were always there to lend a listening ear or offer words of encouragement. They reminded me that I wasn’t alone in this journey and that there were people who believed in me and wanted to see me succeed.

Copyright: © kenziestandlee - http://www.redbubble.com/people/kenziestandle

I also found solace in my classes. It was a way for me to channel my energy into something positive. I threw myself into my studies, immersing myself in the material and engaging with my professors and classmates. It was positive for me to feel connected to something outside of my grief. I needed to feel a sense of purpose and accomplishment.

A Family of College Graduates

A dream differed is not a dream denied.

In May 2017, by the grace of God, I completed my final class and officially graduated from college with a 3.4 GPA! It was a bittersweet moment, as I wished my late husband could have been there to celebrate with me. But I knew that he was with me in spirit, cheering me on from heaven.

Graduating from college was a major milestone in my life. It was a testament to my strength and resilience and a reminder that even in the face of adversity, we can overcome. But I was not done.

In the fall of 2019, I made the decision to apply to graduate school after being encouraged by my new love.

I was thrilled to be accepted and began my journey toward earning a Master of Arts in Professional and Technical Writing, In 2021.

https://www.teepublic.com/magnet/10212497

My youngest daughter also achieved a major milestone by graduating with her bachelor’s degree. It was a proud moment for our family. But we did not stop there. I decided to pursue a dual program, and in 2023, I completed my second master’s degree with a 3.8 GPA. At the same time, my oldest daughter graduated with her first master’s degree. She is currently working towards a second master’s degree in Education and a Ph.D. and currently teaching PE.

Looking back, I am amazed at how far I’ve come. I was once a poor-performing student in high school and almost flunked out of college. But I didn’t let that define me. I worked hard, persevered, and learned to embrace my imperfections. I realized that my ability to overcome challenges and keep going was a badge of honor. I also found strength and inspiration in my faith. With the support of Christ, I knew that I could achieve anything I set my mind to.

Now, our family has become a family of college graduates. We have surpassed our original expectations. It’s an incredible accomplishment and a testament to our determination and hard work. I am so proud of myself and my daughters for all that we have achieved. We have proven that with dedication, trust in God, a great support system, and belief in ourselves, anything is possible.

Futures Endeavors

I am always striving to learn and grow, and pursuing a Ph.D. is something I am considering as part of that journey. Right now, I am working on a couple of personal projects. I did write and directed my first screenplay for my church’s Drama Ministry, The Time Machine Talk Show: The Easter Edition, which we performed for our Church this year for Easter. Click Here To View

My own experiences have taught me the value of perseverance and trusting in God. I try to strive to make the most of each day. It’s inspiring to see my daughters also pursuing their own educational goals, with one currently working on her Ph.D. and the other on track to graduate from graduate school in 2024. I believe that we can all learn from each other’s experiences and journeys, and I hope to continue inspiring and learning from those around me.

Throughout my academic journey, I have encountered numerous challenges that have tested my perseverance and determination. Despite the obstacles, my family and I have remained steadfast in our pursuit of success. We keep our eyes on God, pray, and allow Him to direct our path to our goals. We have faced the painful reality of loss, but through our unwavering faith, we have come out stronger and more resilient.

If you have a dream or goal that you are striving towards, do not allow any hindrances to deter you. Keep your focus sharp and your determination unyielding. Seek out the necessary resources and strategies that will help you achieve your goals. I am a resource.

Remember, if we can, so can you!

God’s love and blessings to you all!

New Year, New Beginnings… HOPE

January 2, 2023

Every year since 2016, the Lord has given me a focus word for the year.

2016 – Hope
2017 – Restoration
2018 – Renewal
2019 – Faith
2020 – Joy
2021– Purpose
2022 – Connection

***My word for 2023 is Hope***

“Be Joyful in HOPE, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.”
Romans 12:12

“Hope is seeing the light despite all of the darkness.”
Bishop Desmond Tutu

“Hope is a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen, a feeling of trust.”

In 2016 my word for the year was hope. We had just ended fasting and prayer as a church, and I was hopeful for the rest of the year. Then a diagnosis, illness, and eventually death came to shake every fiber of my being all in seven short months.

Can you imagine having your world turned upside down, right side out, inside out, and feeling like you have lost everything in a few short months? When the “Ground Truth” was published, God started my healing journey and my family’s healing journey.

Every year of this journey, the Lord has built my confidence, courage, and faith, giving my life hope again, even when I could not see HOPE.

Someone asked me the difference between being in the valley and the dark pit I was in. God had to drag me reluctantly from the dark pit toward the Light. In the valley, you can see the Light there above you. When the enemy has you trapped in the pit, he is trying to keep you from the light. However, the Light is also there, but when the darkness consumes you, you cannot feel your way toward the light.

I will always be thankful for the prayers of the saints who prayed me out of the darkness of the pit. Whose prayers got through and on a lonely, almost fateful night when I heard from God, and there was a glimmer of HOPE.

“Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress; I will not be shaken.” Psalm 62:5-6

He has Restored my existence.
He has Renewed my lease on life
Strengthened my Faith
Helped me to rediscover my Joy
He has given me a new Purpose
My Connection to Him and this life has been renovated.

This year I struggled between the words rejoice and HOPE when God said to have HOPE in Him. He brought me back to the word HOPE.

I HOPE for so many things this year as I continue this new chapter in my life. He knows that I have some upcoming challenges and faith leaps that I must take. I know the Lord will continue to renew my strength every day.

So, I will rejoice in the HOPE the Lord has given me.
So, I will not fear because I know LORD is with me.
I will not be dismayed because my GOD will strengthen and help me.
HE will uphold me with HIS righteous right hand. I am truly blessed and grateful.

Thank you Lord!

The Season of Advent 2022

HOPE

This past Sunday was the first Sunday of Advent (coming). This is the time of year when we prepare our hearts to celebrate Jesus’s birth.

“The promise for Israel and the church is Jesus Christ.

The Lord has come to hear and will arrive again.

This is the essence of Advent.”

The Advent Wreath is usually made of evergreens wrapped around a ring. The wreath has candles placed around the circle surrounded by evergreens.

There are three purple and one pink candle.

Those candles represent HOPE, FAITH, JOY, and PEACE.

There is a fifth white candle inside the ring, and it is lit on Christmas day to celebrate Jesus’ birth.

The evergreens of the wreath symbolize everlasting life during winter and death.

The ring’s circular shape symbolizes God’s never-ending love and eternal life HE makes possible.

This past Sunday, we started our Advent season. A family is chosen or volunteers to share a devotion and lite the candle. We lit the first purple candle, which symbolizes HOPE, sometimes called the Prophecy Candle. It represents the HOPE felt in expectation of the coming Messiah.

The Bible: Isaiah 40:31

“But those who HOPE in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint.”

The Dictionary describes HOPE:

“HOPE is a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen, a feeling of trust.”

Bishop Desmond Tutu said:

“HOPE is seeing the light despite all of the darkness.”

O come, O come, Emmanuel,
And ransom captive Israel,
That mourns in lonely exile here.
Until the Son of God appears.
Rejoice! Rejoice!
Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel.

I have thought a lot about HOPE over the years, especially in this current season of my life. Sometimes I had to dig deep to find reasons to HOPE, continue living, and come out of the pit.

Jesus was the HOPE I had to re-embrace to survive. I said re-embrace because I had let go of all HOPE and had nothing to cling to but pain, grief, suffering, and deep sadness. Ironically, I saw my most significant turnaround during the Advent season. Toward the end of the Advent season in 2016, I saw a light of HOPE at the end of the tunnel. It took a year of HOPE, prayer, God’s word, and therapy to get into a good head space. I knew that I could not bear my burdens alone, and I desperately needed Jesus if I was going to survive.

During the Advent season of 2017, I started to find my way back to my first love.

Back to HOPE.

Back to Living.

Back to Christ.

I have rediscovered my HOPE again, and I don‘t intend on letting my HOPE or my GOD go again!

Fall: The Season of Transformations

Fall is finally here!

Fall has always been my favorite time of the year. Emily Brontë’s poem, “Fall, Leaves, Fall,” tells of her love of fall:

“Fall, leaves, fall; die, flowers, away;
Lengthen day and shorten day;
Every leaf speaks bliss to me.
Fluttering from the autumn tree.”

When I was a little girl, I used to love to rake the leaves into huge piles and fall into the beautiful bundle of orange, red, green, and yellow leaves. The enemy would like me to continue associating one of my favorite times of the year with sorrow, grief, and pain.

I choose to celebrate the Fall that I love. The Fall that God created.

Now he who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will also supply and increase your store of seed and will enlarge the harvest of your righteousness.

2 Corinthians 9:10

God, the ultimate Master Artist, has beautifully designed the fall season. Unlike the green trees of spring:

I love the color palette of red, orange, and yellows of fall leaves.

The crunching sound of the fallen leaves as I walk is like music.

The refreshing feel of the crisp cool air upon my face slightly tingles my cheeks.

The warmth of the nighttime bond fires and the crackling sounds of the fire burning.

I cannot forget it; it’s boots and sweater weather.

Fall is a season of transformation. We are transforming from the seasons of new beginnings to the seasons of contemplation and reflection. It is a season for thanks, giving, and gratitude that will lead us into the season of faith, hope, and giving.

Let’s not allow ourselves to fall into a season of despair and hopelessness. Let us CHOOSE to focus on what is good in our lives. The good things that God has done and will continue to do in our lives. My brother/Pastor said,

“The Lord has written the full chapters of our lives.

We need to walk in the good that He has already done.

We need to have that right now, faith. Jesus is trustworthy.”

Minister Kai Brown

Every season presents its challenges, the storms of Spring, the unbearable heat of Summer, and the cold, snow, and ice of Winter. However, the beauty of fall gives me hope. Fall is not dead or dying; Fall is a beginning as the sun rises and sets on picturesque views of the season. We will reflect on the past year and determine where we need to adjust our focus for the following year.

Enjoy this beautiful Fall season of transformation and reflect on what’s good in your life.

I love you all!

Curveball

June 7, 2022

I wrote this blog a few months ago, but I felt the need to share. One night, I remembered my grandfather sitting on our front porch watching the Detroit Tigers game on television. Yes, we were on the front porch.

He took me to my first Detroit Tigers game at Tiger Stadium in the ’70s. I can still feel the heat and smell the hot dogs my grandfather bought from the “Hot Dog Guy.” We ate popcorn, peanuts, and yes, Cracker Jacks! I would listen intently as he explained what was going on during the game. I remember one particular pitch.

He yelled, “Curveball.”

All these years later, I remember my grandfather explaining that pitch.

What is a curve ball?

A curveball is a ball that was thrown off course. The dictionary explains that a curveball is a ball thrown hard in a downward motion that caused the ball to go to one side as it reached Homeplate.

A curveball is also something surprising, unexpected, or disruptive. (Dictonary.com)

In our life, we are thrown many curveballs.

I was looking for my life to go in one direction, but…
I was thrown a curveball.

That ball took me by surprise.
That ball took me off course.
That ball sent my life into a tailspin.
That ball shook my foundation.

But…

That ball did not break me.
I was cracked and even fractured.
But my foundation was fixed and welded together.
It was not going anywhere!

Why?

Because my foundation was not built by brick and mortar, not by sand or dirt.

My foundation was FIRM!

My foundation was built by the Word of God.
My foundation was built by the Blessings of God.
My foundation was built by the power of the Holy Spirit.
This foundation was built by the prayer of the saints in my life.

God’s Promises

I did not go crazy
I did not stay in depression obsessed with suicidal thoughts.
I remembered HIS Hope
I remembered HIS Promises
I remembered that HE is a man of HIS WORD!

I was lifted up and out of my pit and into the arms of JESUS.

I will continue to write about what God has done for me
because someone needs to hear that they are never alone.

They need to hear, don’t give up on what God has for you.
They need to hear, don’t give in because God has enormous plans for you.
They need to hear that they are worthy of love and so much more.
They need to know that GOD is able.
They need to know that HE has forgiven them.
They need to know that HE loves them with an agape kind of love.

Don’t give up because God will never give up on you!
So, when life throws you a curveball…
HIT IT OUT OF THE PARK!

Letter To My Enemy

devil,

I am sure you meant to destroy me… but you did not!

I will never understand the reason behind your actions.

But know part of me died that day

Too young to realize…

That my opened mind and led to a world of…

Emotions…

Experiences…

Things not for a young girl…

Forever changed…

***

Did you know what your actions would cost me?!

A lifetime of mistrust…

A lifetime of insecurities…

A lifetime of self-hate…

A lifetime of doubt…

A lifetime of pain…

A lifetime of shame…

Secrets destroy!

********

What I could have been…

The things I could have done…

The places I could have went..

Dreams killed and destroyed

Paralyzed in a life that was not my own…

From the inside, looking out the window…

Screaming…

Yearning…

For the innocence lingering outside my view

********

Then I heard you died…

********

Emptiness inside…

Nothing to fill the hole

Engulfed in the darkness of the pit

********

Did you go to Heaven or hell?

How many others suffered because of you?

What about my retribution…

What about my retaliation…

What about your punishment…

What about me, them, all of us…

Does it even matter?

********

You see, you took NOTHING from me.

You may have delayed

You may have stalled

You tried it…

********

A coward

A pawn

A cast-off

You allowed the devil to use you…

To steal, kill, destroy

Because HE loves me so much… I can finally forgive you!

********

your glory, your control… stops here!

********

No worries…

No worries???

Yes, no worries!

*********

Because I know a MAN…

HE loved me…

HE loved me before I knew me…

HE loved me before the foundations of the earth

HE loved me, and HE knows the number of hairs on my head

JESUS LOVES ME!

*********

Because of JESUS, I learned to TRUST!

Because of JESUS, I am SECURE!

Because of JESUS, I LOVE myself!

Because of JESUS, I have FAITH!

Because of JESUS, I have JOY!

Because of JESUS, I am BLESSED because HE is in me!

********

Because of HIM, my dream delayed is NOT my dream denied!

Just another Blessing in the storm

I love you, JESUS!

Because of YOU, I live to dream again…

A Daughter of a KING

Farewell 2021!! Don’t Take the Bait!

Dear Hearts,

As we bid 2021 farewell, I look back on this year, and I have relished in Jesus Joy. I have experienced love and happiness, and I have laughed a lot. I have experienced some success and overcome some obstacles. There were also moments of loss that produced sadness and crying. But through it all, I kept my faith and trusted in GOD for every and anything.

This year was not easy. We have continued to battle a global epidemic, personal distresses, and a volatile political climate as a country. There is so much in the news and our world that makes us angry, upset, and disappointed. However,…

God still sits on the throne, and if you proclaim to be a faithful follower of Christ, I tell you… DON’T TAKE THE BAIT!!

“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13

Don’t take the bait of the enemy and have a hardened heart. I will tell you to trust God and keep your hope alive in your heart, home, and community. It will have to start from within ourselves. We have to radiate love and respect from our hearts to our communities. But that love and respect must begin with showing love and grace to our families, and then we can reach out to our communities.

I don’t know how often I can say this, but I will keep saying this statement to everyone who wants to hear it. “Life is way too short for/to ….” (Fill in the blank)

Life is too short to bear grudges against one another going into 2022

Life is too short to hold anger in our hearts going into 2022

Life is too short to hold on to resentment and jealousy, into 2022

Life is too short to hold on to unforgiveness into 2022

Don’t take the enemy’s bait and enter into the new year with the old year’s mindset.

I believe that God has a perfect plan for my life and your life. We just need to trust HIM

“’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

I love you all with the love of Christ

Be Blessed!

My moments of joy in the midst of Sadness

December 12, 2021

God will always give us moments of joy in the midst of sadness if we look for them and embrace them.

It is a definite choice that we make each day when we get up from our beds. That joy is not dependent on people speaking into our lives, what they can do for us., or their acceptance of us. Yes, it is an added bonus, the icing on the cake. However, that type of joy is fleeting and temporary.
But the JOY that I have in Jesus is strong, enduring, and everlasting!

It’s the Joy that I choose when I decide to laugh instead of cry…
When I decide to smile instead of yell…
When I decide to stand instead of living in defeat…
When I decided to grieve God’s way instead of the enemy’s way…
Meaning, I will continue to give God praise through every obstacle, barrier, detour, and roadblock even when I don’t feel like it.

I said all this to say even though I am grieving another significant loss in my life, I will still find times to have JOY and experience happiness and laughter in my life.
There is always a blessing in every storm.
I love you all
😘♥️😘

Season of Grief

How I Fought to Reclaim My Favorite Season

September 23, 2021

Yesterday, September 22, 2021, was the first day of Fall, my favorite time of the year. Anyone who knows me knows that I started talking about missing my boots, sweaters, and fall weather in late August. (Yes, they do speak to me and call my name… lol) Just kidding! I love the cool air, the changing colors of the trees, yes, the time to wear my boots and sweaters. I allowed the enemy to use my grief and depression to control everything I loved for a few years.

From the middle of September to November, I used to call it my dark season. During this time, five years ago, my life took a turn for the worse when my late husband passed. I don’t need to tell you the pain and distress I felt deep in my soul. The enemy tried to take over my existence with thoughts of suicide and depression. He tried to take my family’s way, and he almost succeeded in taking away my favorite season and turned it into a gloomy and miserable reality.

But because I am the daughter of the King and He loves me beyond anything, I could even imagine.

He pull me out of that existence back into His presence of Joy, Love, and Peace. It was a tough uphill battle, but I prayed, and others prayed along with me along the way. I had to allow Jesus to minister to the Holy Spirit and guide me to get the help that I so desperately needed to combat this way of feeling and thinking. I could not and cannot fight this war alone; I had to be honest with myself and those around me. I had to make some tough decisions, and I still make them every single day. This new normal that I live is not easy, but when I get up and breathe and live on this side of the earth, I know that God still has a purpose for my life.

Jesus, my family, my village, and my therapist, helped me to win the battle for my insanity, peace, and mental health. The war is still raging every second, but now I am one step ahead of the enemy. Why? I have a village of people across the world who will lift my name and my family’s name in their prayers: my friends, like sisters, and sorority sisters who encourage and support me.

My daughters ShaRonda and Morgan keep me on my toes, and their love and encouragement mean the world to me. I want to be an example of a strong woman who is not afraid to take risks or reach out for help. I want them to be proud of me.

My longtime brother, Minster Kai Brown, told me, “Don’t Worry, Pray.”

In every sense of the word except by physical blood, my sisters Laura Coaxum always told me to “Stay Close.” And Sharron Williams said, “Lo, Trust God.”

My spiritual mentor Elaine Belardo has encouraged me when she is dealing with her struggles that God is at work in the detours and roadblocks of my life.

My heart, my Chapter 2, Sam Moore, through his love and encouragement he tells me that I can do anything I put my mind to do.

My therapist Dr. Phifer, when I first sat down in her office, told me that God loved me, and he had never left me. She has given me the tools to keep me mentally healthy and my head clear so I can clearly hear from God.

I stayed ahead of the enemy, not by my might or any power I could have, but it is the power of Jesus that is at work through me.

I am not perfect, nor is my life perfect, and I still make mistakes every day. However, I so serve and worship a perfect God who not only loves me unconditionally, but HE loves you just as much!

Whatever the devil has stolen from you, tap into the power of Jesus that resides in you and reclaim it back!

Reclaim your Peace, Joy, and the Love that the Father has for you!

And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:7

If I can do it, so can you!!

I love you all with the love of Christ!

My Faith Is Tested, But I Still Trust GOD!

31 August 2021

The book of James tells us, “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing” (James 1:2-4).

I can testify that in my lifetime, my faith has been tested many times. Sometimes I have passed, and sometimes I had a lesson I needed to learn. On-time I was utterly destroyed, but yet I still stand. The lesson I learned from this test was that “God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7).

It was never my fear that controlled anything good in my life.

It was the Joy of the Lord that was deeply embedded in my soul.

It is the Sound Mind that God has given me.

It is the His Power that I will draw from when I am in despair

It is the Love of the special people in my life that will see me through.

But most of all, it is my faith in God that no matter what is happening around me, in my life, or this world, HE will always be with me.

Even as the enemy tries to drag me back to the brinks of depression, I know that the light of the Lord is a bubble of protection around me, and I will NOT be afraid.

He keeps me protected

He keeps me in my right mind

He keeps me surrounded in love

Even with what I am facing, My God is still a Way Maker

He is still a Miracle Worker

He is still a Promise Keeper

He is still the Light in the darkness

That’s who my GOD is! (Way Maker)

My God is the Joy of my soul, and I will continue to trust Him in all things

My dear hearts, I pray that you also continue to trust GOD in every area of your life. No matter what the circumstances are, above all, trust HIM. Never Never, Never give up!!

God loves you, and so do I!

Be Blessed in the Lord!

Purging My Life (The Physical Edition) We can do hard things Pt.2 (Adjust My Focus)

May 29, 2021

The Lord has told me it is time to adjust my focus. I talk a lot about my journey with grief and depression, but I want to adjust my focus. While those issues are still at the forefront of my mind, there is more for me to continue telling you how I survived, how I have overcome, and how I am not just alive but living.

In previous blog posts, I have talked about purging my life.

Purging my Life “It’s Time for a New Thing” From Greif & Clutter to Joy & Tranquility

Purging my Life 4: Physically Purging the house and the Body Purge/ Heart Matters.

My home, my mental health, and now it is time for my physical health.

Yes, I have accomplished some hard things, but there is so much more! In our mental health wellness journey, we cannot forget about our physical health. I knew that I could not do anything about my physical health until I handled the thingse going on in my head. Now that I am doing well in that area, it is time to move forward.

I received some numbers from my doctor that I did not like. It has taken me two years and a global pandemic to face that diagnosis. I was told that my blood sugar levels were elevated. I knew that I needed to take action to bring those numbers back down so I don’t develop diabetes. Whenever I went to the doctor, my numbers were perfect, so I was in shock. In all honesty, I shouldn’t be shocked. I did not have the best diet, and I did not stick to an exercise program long enough to make a difference, not to mention that I was grieving a significant loss and COVID-19 25. (I equate this to the Freshman 15).

I can do hard things!

I did not want to end up with diabetes, so I decided to take charge of my physical health, make significant changes, and fight against it. I knew I needed to change my diet, but I also needed some physical exercise. I decided to invest in myself and made a mini gym in my home, including the little bike that goes nowhere, a Peloton Bike. It is nothing fancy, but I can get up every morning and work out for at least 30-45 minutes and again in the evening.

Now, when I first received my bike, it sat for a while unused. I kept thinking about what I have gotten myself into! I completed my first ride, and my behind was sore. I was breathing breaths I had never breathed before. I had to call on the name of JESUS to finish that ride! Then I stopped for a few more weeks thinking, what in the world are you doing!!! LOL. I eventually got back in the sandal and found some wonderful support groups through Facebook, and I have completed 65 bike rides and a few boot camps!

I can do hard things!

Now I have started to attack my diet. I needed to make significant changes because any fitness and nutrition expert will tell you that you cannot out-exercise a bad diet. So, it did not matter how many miles I rode, how high my cadence was, or the level of my resistance; I was never going to be successful without changing what goes into my mouth. So, this is where I am now in this next phase of my journey. I will keep you posted about my progress.

Just know that GOD is GOOD, and he has equipped us to do the hard thingsFaithe faith in God, and theFaithe Faith in yourself.

I love you all with the love of Jesus Christ!

We All Can Do Hard Things

May 24, 2021

Hello, my lovelies!!

My graduate studies are winding down as I work on my thesis project. I have had some time to reflect on my last 5 years. I look at the woman that I am now versus the woman that I was then, and I realized that I not only like her, but I also love her. But at one time, I did not like her, and I even hated her. I went through all the what-ifs…

If I had done this or that…

If I was better prepared…

If… If… IF!

People tell me I have changed. I don’t think that I have changed; I believe that THEIR attitudes and perceptions of me have changed. I know some people don’t like who I have become. Their problem, not mine….

Okay, to be honest, I guess I have changed. I mean, how could I have not changed? I lost and have gone through so much over the past 5 years. That type of grief, depression, and loss will change anyone know. However, I have gained and learn so much more. I have become stronger, a little wiser, and more independent. I have gained confidence in who I am as a woman, my purpose, and I have learned to put my trust more in God and not people. God will never disappoint me. NEVER!

I have learned that I can do some hard things, and if I can do them, so can YOU!!

No one and I do mean NO ONE gets to tell you what you can and can’t do with your life.

At the age of 50, after going through a devastating loss, I still managed to finish my Bachelor’s Degree less than a year later, and if I can do it, so can YOU!

At the age of 51, I was granted membership into the illustrious sisterhood of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc, a goal of mine for over 30 years. If I can do it, so can YOU!

I was not a very good student in high school, and I struggled to get a C. Now I am working on finishing my Master’s Degree while holding a 3.8 GPA, working a full-time job, serving in church, community, and sorority obligations.

IF I CAN… SO CAN YOU!

However, none of the accomplishments above or anything in my future would be possible with my Daddy GOD. He saw something in me that I could not see in myself!

When God told me that I still had a purpose, it was up to me to do the hard thing, step out on faith, and trust God to lead and guide me.

Psalm 37:4 says, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.”

I also believe that God will give you the desires of your heart when your desires line up with the purpose He created you to accomplish.

If you are unsure of your purpose or your next move, pray to the Lord for guidance and then watch and listen for an answer.

Matthew 6:33 says, “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.”

Strength through Christ will enable you to do the hard things. Trust me. He has already equipped you to do hard things.

I challenge you to step outside of your comfort zone and take charge of your hopes and dreams.

IF you are afraid… do it anyway!!

My sister and brother, you can do this! Let’s live a life full of regrets.

Live Again

Dream Again

Accomplish your Goals

Love Again

Yes, it will not be easy, but anything worth having is worth the work and fighting for.

YOU CAN ACCOMPLISH HARD THINGS!

Now, let’s not get it twisted; my life is far from perfect, and God is continually working on me and my imperfections. But my imperfections make me the woman I am today, and I love her and am very proud of her.

I love you all!

God, what is my purpose now?

Late night thoughts…
Lately, when I can’t sleep (which has been most nights), I write. I write when I have a lot on my mind. I have been thinking about purpose. I always thought that my purpose was to be a good wife, mother, sister, niece, and friend. I think I did a pretty good job. LOL. I had a successful marriage and raised two beautiful, intelligent women of God. So, I know how to love, be faithful, understanding, share Christ, and listen to others. I am far from perfect, and I know I have made many mistakes during my 54 years on this earth, and I am sure I will make a few more.

My world has been shaken to its core more than once, but I survived!
I have let others steal my joy and gave them power over my life, yet I am still here!
I had to learn to tackle situations and problems on my own with fewer resources, but I am making it work!
I have learned the hard way that sometimes certain circumstances, situations, and people in our lives are not always what they seem.

Why am I here? What am I supposed to do, JESUS WHY ME!?

All this brings me back to my original thought… God, what is my purpose now?

Merriam-Webster describes purpose as something to be attained, resolution, determination, and something that one hopes to accomplish.

God tells me:

Jeremiah 29:11: I know the plans I have for you.
Proverbs 16:4: The Lord has made everything for its purpose
I Peter 2:9: tells us that we are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation
I Peter 4:10: As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace.

Once I figured out that I had to survive and learn how to live my life in a new normal that I did not want, I had to rethink things. Almost 5 years later (WOW, 5 years!) I know that I am still on this earth, living and breathing for a purpose. The devil has a way of putting us into certain situations to break us and eventually destroy us and leave us to live an eternity without GOD. That would be my worst life scenario, to live an eternity without GOD!

However, after much prayer, an alter prayer of release on Sunday, and a conversation with someone who loves me for who I am, I know that God has equipped me for this phase of my life.

“In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will.” (Ephesians 1:11)

We are supposed to be forever students, constantly seeking knowledge and wisdom.

I can’t believe I was the young girl who never enjoyed school would say: I enjoy learning, I enjoy my classes, even the ones I complained about. LOL

I want to learn more, do better, and use everything I know to help others. Any gifts, talents, skills, lessons all belong to God. After my alter prayer and conversation, the verse of the day was enough confirmation for me.

“And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased.” (Hebrews 13:16 )

I encourage you to seek God in prayer, His word, in wise counsel, talking with those who love you if you are questioning your own purpose. God has a plan for ALL of us and our job is to stay close to Him, press on, and walk in our purpose. Don’t let nothing or NO one hold you back.

I love you all with the love of Christ!

What Would You Change?

Late Night/Early Morning Thoughts

March 24, 2021 @ 2:30 AM

I could not sleep tonight, so I am evaluating my life and my choices. You know the, Did I do this or that right? What if I could change something, even one thing? Would it make a difference?

We often ask each other, “What would you change if you could go back in the past?” Like most of us, I always have a laundry list of things I would change like, school and career choices, financial decisions, and places of residence.

At what cost would those changes come?

Would that change who my daughters are and who they are supposed to become?

Would that change mean changing the people who have planted seeds in my life?

Would that change the people who have touched my heart and I have touched theirs?

Would that change who God means for me to become?

Regardless of the hard, sad, painful, and tragic events of my life, I would not change one thing.

The Lord said in Isaiah not to remember the former things or things of the past. He also told me to listen carefully. I am about to do a new thing, and it will spring forth, and I will not be aware of it. He will even put a road in the wilderness. (Isaiah 43:18-19)

There is a joy that God will instill in you that will allow you to withstand any storm that life brings to you. God has taken the events of my life and weaved and molded them into who I am today. The pain, joy, laughter, and tears have led me to this moment and this season of my life. Healing from God is more than physical illness. God has healed my heart, my mind, and my soul. The hard times in my life have forever changed me. They have made me stronger, resilient, and knowing that all things are possible if I trust in GOD.

“GOD, pick up the pieces.

Put me back together again.

YOU ARE MY PRAISE!” (Jeremiah 17:14)

It is my prayer every day that if God takes everything that I have been through and uses it to help others, it will all be worth it.

You Are Not Alone

Hey Dear Hearts!

It has been a while since I have written in the blog. Trust me, I have been writing, finishing up my master’s program, and this last class was challenging!

I had an enjoyably week off and now on to my next class. (YEAH) Three more and then I am done!

In the past year we have had over 500,000 deaths from Covid-19, and a lot of people, especially spouses, have joined the club that I never wanted to join. They are widows or widowers. This road will not be an easy one for them to travel, nor for any one grieving a loss. They will need the support of family and friends as much as possible with our current state. When my late husband passed, I was blessed that I was able to physically say goodbye and receive the visits, hugs, love, and support from my family and friends. Support from your family and friends should never stop.

Family and friends, I implore you to check on those who are grieving. Even if they say, “I’m okay or look okay, please make the phone call or send the text message, most importantly, PRAY for them.

Trust me. They need you.

I also have a message to those who are grieving. I KNOW this is hard, unfair, and unbearable. I know that you are sad, angry, hurt, and confuse. Please do not hesitate to reach out to your family, friends, or a mental health specialist.

PLEASE DON’T BE ASHAMED! Your life could depend on it.

Just the notion of people making fun of downplaying someone who says they were suicidal makes me angry.

LISTEN TO ME:

I don’t care who they are or how much money a person has, depression does not have favorites, and it will descend upon ANYONE! It does not matter if you are famous or wealthy.

This horrible attitude towards mental health is why people don’t come forth, which is why suicide rates are so high! The insensitivity is appalling!

THIS MUST STOP!!

I almost took my own life pretending I was fine, that everything was fine. I was laughing when I wanted to cry—keeping silent when I wanted to scream. Just so those around me would not be uncomfortable. This way of thinking almost ended my life and would have destroyed my daughters.

When I tell you about the realness of GOD…

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. Psalm 34:18

Yes, I sought therapy, and I still see my therapist, and I am not ashamed to admit it. I was angry at GOD for weeks and months, and I was not allowing Him to speak to me. He never left me because, when I was in my darkest pit, I said that tonight was it, I am done, GOD said NO! HE pulled me out and sent me to the right person to help me clear my head. I was lucky, NO, I was blessed that I had previously established a foundation that allowed God in my headspace, even if it was for a moment to make me stop.

If you don’t have that relationship with GOD and you would like to establish your relationship with God, contact me and allow me to introduce you to my Daddy.

Even if you are doing have the relationship that I have with God, I need you to know that help is still available, and you can seek the help you need. Allow those who care to help you.

Please don’t think that if you end your life, everything would be alright. You have family and friends that you are leaving behind who will be devastated by your actions.

You have a life that must be lived.

You have a life that will bless people that only YOU can bless.

You have a life that is of value.

YOU are needed and wanted!

Talk to your pastor

Talk to a friend

Most importantly:

IF you are anyone you know are having thoughts of suicide, please call the suicide hotline. Listed below is the number for the Veterans Crisis Line.

Remember you are not on this journey alone. Someone will always walk with you.

Don’t GIVE UP!

God’s love and blessings to you all

Christmas 2020 Thoughts

Sunday, December 27, 2020

Jesus is the reason for the season. Yes, many of us know, feel, and honestly believe this. But it does not mean that people may not be feeling the Christmas spirit this year.

So, wait and read what I have to say.

My girls and I always have a house full of people during the holidays. After my late husband’s death, it has been incredibly comforting to have those closest to us helping us celebrate the holidays. We ate, played games, and sang our hearts out. I know for me, it took my mind of the grieving process and placed my focus on the season, family, and friends. This year was different. This year it was my duty to keep my family safe, so the decision was made not to have our usual celebration. Instead, we were responsible and opted for a quiet day at home.

I know many of us went into the Christmas season with a sense of dread. Many of us are without employment, or you are still working from home if you are lucky. We are socially distancing with no real gatherings of family and friends. Many of us canceled trips to family and friends, vacations, and other social traditions of the season to stay healthy.

So, I also felt a little depressed this year and had a sad moment. There are so many people in distress and grieving this Christmas. In a way, I know how these families are feeling. My family knows their pain. However, now people must deal with their grief and or depression alone, but they are also battling, avoiding, and standing against a horrible virus. Many are spending their first holiday alone without a loved one or two, and many may not have families surrounding them. It is okay to feel whatever you are feeling.

There is no cookie-cutter method for dealing with grief, depression, and sadness during this time. I have had people tell me how I should be feeling and when I should be feeling it. Really?? No one and I repeat NO ONE, can tell you how to express your feeling, when to express your thoughts, or why or where you should be at this current time in your life. Only you and God can know that, and HE is walking this road with us. If you have people who are doing this in your life, it may be time to delete those type of people from your life who “support” you.

Family and friends that support you will understand that what you are going through will not go away overnight, nor will you “get over” it.

IF YOU ARE SAYING THIS TO PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE, PLEASE STOP!!

The Bible tells us, “To everything, there is a season and a time to every purpose under the heaven” (Ecclesiastes 3:1). Whenever you and God decide that you are ready to move forward, that’s when you move and not a moment sooner. I have learned that when must allow God into every aspect of our lives. Our grief and depression process, our therapy, our recovery, and our overall life every day. I know that only GOD saw me through the last 4 years, 2020, and HE will continue to see us all through every day.

When I think of Christmas, and through Easter, I am grateful for the wonderful sacrifice God has made for us all. From the birth, crucifixion, death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Even in the midst of this storm, I can still find the blessings of the miracle of Jesus and HIS unfailing love for us all. My prayer for you is that you will find your Blessings in the Middle of the Storm.

Merry Christmas (a couple of days late 🤷🏽‍♀️)

I love you all to life!

Reserve Joy!

16 November 2020

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing,so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.” ***(Romans 15:13)***

I know that many of us are trying to hold on to what sanity and joy they have left. I have talked to many people that they are trying to find joy in this season. We are restricted due to an out-of-control pandemic, we have had months of civil unrest, political difference continues, and now we are left to “celebrate” the holidays. Due to the pandemic, many of us will skip traditional Thanksgiving and Christmas traditions for a smaller scale and fewer people celebrations. This morning I found myself feeling down, and you know, the conniving devil he was trying to pull me down that familiar dark road that leads to that pit. As I sit typing this with tears in my eyes, I want to tell you this: I AM NOT HAVING IT!!!

Shake it OFF!

Don’t fall for it!

DON’T LOSE HOPE!

THERE IS STILL JOY!

You may need to reach deep inside and borrow from your reserve joy. We all have it! Trust me. I have borrowed from my reserve joy many times over the years. Reserve joy is the joy that Jesus has rooted deep in your soul.

It’s the moments that you smile in the midst of tears, or you laugh stead of screaming.

For me, it is knowing that no matter how I hurt, feel, or think at that time, GOD is always with me, surrounding me, and if no one else loved me, I knew that GOD loved me!

It’s knowing that I am never alone because HE is with me.

It is knowing that whatever I am going through in my life, there is Joy!

JESUS JOY!

There is always a blessing in the storm.

No matter how bleak it may seem

No matter how hard it gets

No matter who says what… HE IS THERE, the GREAT I AM!

Do what will make you happy!

IF it brings you joy, put up your Christmas decorations early… but put them up!

Cook your favorite foods on the holidays and have a Zoom or FaceTime dinner and games with family and friends. I know that we are Zoomed out, but it is only for a SEASON.

This too shall pass.

I want you to dig into your reserve joy; it’s there! Dig deep! I want you to bring back the sparkle in your eyes and your soul. I want you to encourage your family members and friends to do the same.

We will get through this, and we will survive and thrive! Call or contact me. I have some reserve Joy that I am willing to share!

I don’t have it all together. Trust me, I have my days and moments, but I refuse to give in to anything the enemy is trying to execute! Even my own thoughts!

A friend posted this on Facebook today:

In case no one told you today:

You’re beautiful

You’re love

You’re needed

You’re alive for a reason

You’re stronger than you think

You’re gonna get through this

I am glad you’re alive

DON’T GIVE UP!

I am going to add JESUS loves you, and so do I!

You’ve got this/We’ve got this!

I LOVE YOU ALL!!

From the Pit to a Firm Foundation

From the Pit to a Firm Foundation

Thursday, September 17, 2020

I lived in a dark hole. In a pit with my 3 D’s, desperation, depression, and despair.

A voice stifled…

I often think of all the little girls and boys who had their voices stifled at a young age.

Our innocents are stolen and taken away.

Our souls are broken and shattered.

Our spirits are tainted and corrupted.

Our lives are marked for destruction.

Our relationships are compromised before they start.

Our happiness is fake.

Our joy is nonexistent.

We had to learn how to survive.

We had to learn how to live.

Our lives were literally put on hold.

But there is hope… and that hope is JESUS.

Viola Davis said, “The two most important days in your life is the day you were born and the day you discovered why you were born” To those of us that have been abused, bullied, talked about, and or mistreated, finding a reason to live or to go on is difficult.

When construction on a house starts most times, a hole is dug to pour the concrete for the foundation. This step is crucial because if you have a week foundation, your house or building could fall or crumble.

“He is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation of the rock. And when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house and could not shake it, because it had been well built” (Luke6:48).

When I was young, my Uncle Homer and Auntie Perk took me to church and introduced me to GOD. I did not know that their actions would not only change my life; it would one day save the life of my family. Their efforts purchased the plot for my foundation.

I went to church, Sunday school, Bible study, choir rehearsal, Junior Usher Board practice, and I still did not completely understand what or who God was in my life. Baptized at the age of 12, I believe this is where my foundation was poured; God filled my dark pit. Now, change was not sudden and definitely did not happen overnight. As a matter of fact, it took years of mistakes and bad decisions. However, as I started to build my house no matter what happened, my foundation stood firm and withstood the test of time.

I have had many trials and hardships in my life that continued to test this foundation. Over the years, I have strengthened my relationship with the Lord, thus fortifying my foundation. Many of my houses have fallen and crumbled, but because of my firm foundation, I was able to build, rebuild, and rebuild. This last trial almost took my life and shook my foundation to the core. As I wanted to die and crawl under my foundation, as I thought my foundation would be blown away, as I thought my foundation would crumble, it stood firm.

“But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn’t obey is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. When the rains and floods come, and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash” (Matthew 7:26-27)

It stood strong because it was fortified by the Blood of JESUS CHRIST.

I have screamed…

I have gotten angry…

I have cried…

I wanted to give up…

But my GOD remained steadfast and loyal to me, and for some reason, HE would not let me go!

As my oldest daughter and I quietly celebrated my late husband’s life without many tears and anguish, I realized that I have grown. I have accepted the will of GOD, and I have learned to live and move forward. Yes, my therapy played a tremendous role in my progression, but without the grace of GOD, I would still be in my pit of the 3D’s that the devil planned for me. Because of JESUS, I went from living in a pit of desperation, depression, and despair to standing on the firm foundation that the LORD has planned for me. I will continue to set my mind on the things above.

If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God. Set your mind on the things above, not things on earth” (Colossians 3:1-2)

I am far from perfect, and I know I will have many more trials ahead. However, I take hope in knowing that my strength lies solely with the LORD and his plans for me and my life.

I am ready

I am willing

Thank GOD, I am still here to be able!

God Blessings!

I love you all!

May you always find your blessing in the storm.

I KNOW…

Wednesday, August 19, 2020

My Wednesday night Facebook prayer group prayed about the healing and restoration power of Jesus.

There was a time in my life that I did not know where I was going.
I did not know if I would make it through the next second, let alone the next day.

I did not know how my daughters or I would survive.

I did not know to sleep without crying myself to sleep.

I did not know what to do when people who loved me turned their backs on me.

I did not know what happened to my future, my promises, my hopes, my dreams.

I did not know how to get up out of the pit the devil created for me.

All I did know was fear, doubt, anger, disbelief, sadness, pain, and sorrow.

I may have forgotten where comes my help.

I may have for a moment forgotten who I belong to…

But I know a Healer!
I know my Provider!
I know my Deliver!
I know my Waymaker!
I know my Provider!
I know my Ultimate Friend!
I know my Miracle Maker
I know my Comforter!
I know my Promise Keeper
I know WHO holds my future!
I know the GREAT I AM!
I know JESUS!!

Thank you, JESUS, because… I know that HE healed my broken spirit and my soul!

Thank you, JESUS, because… I know that HE healed my broken heart!

Thank you, JESUS, because… I know HE made a way when I could not see it!

Thank you, JESUS, because… I know that HE yanked me out of my pit!

Thank you, JESUS, because… I know that HE can do the same for you!

I know that you NEED to trust HIM!
I know that you allow HIM to love on you!

I know that GOD has a purpose and a plan for your life!

I know that you need to let HIM into your life!

I know that HE will bless your life!
I know that JESUS loves you with agape love!

I know that there is NOTHING that you can do to keep HIM from love you!

I need you to know that GOD is waiting to welcome you with open arms!

I need you to know that HE is ready to forgive you!

I know that if I did not have that foundation built on the blood of JESUS, I would have never survived the darkest moment of my life.
All you need to do is call out to HIM and ask HIM into your life.
Allow JESUS to heal and bless you. I promise you… you will NEVER be the same.

If you would like to join us on Wednesday nights, please let me know!

I love you all,
Have a Blessed night

What is Consuming You?

9 July 2010

What is Consuming You?

Dear Heart,

Let me let you in on a little something… always be aware of who is in your prayer circle and who are praying for you. My people know not only my heart, they know my spirit, and they are quick to set me straight and guide me. That’s what real spiritual mentors do, and I have the best!

I have thought a lot about what has been consuming my mind. I have realized that over the last couple of months, I have let some things totally consume my mind. Sometimes you cannot see things through your own eyes because the enemy is blocking your view. He is very conniving and seeks to destroy anyone that God loves, and I don’t want to give him any of my joy. PERIOD! I have a prayer circle and spiritual mentors that have been in my life for years. They have seen, prayed, and helped me and my family thought some of the darkest moments of my life!

I think that once you go through a massive loss followed by deep depression, your emotions are triggered easily. When I see injustice, my first instinct is to fight for who is being wronged or what is wrong. Which I have always done, and Yes, that is the right thing to do. However, it is not if I fight; it is HOW I fight. If we are fighting in such a manner that will pull us away from CHRIST, then is it a fight worth fighting? Is the fight worth that sacrifice? The Bible tells us, “What would it profit a man to gain the whole world and lose his own soul.” (Mark 8:36)

Can we make change happen, of course, we can! As I said, it is not when or if it is HOW. Can I invoke you to change if I alienate you? NOPE!

If you will please PRAY for me and I will PRAY for you!

On the prayer line this morning, we talked about praying for each other.

I Thessalonians states, “Now may the peace of himself sanctify you completely and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it. Brothers pray for us.” (5:23-25)

When we Pray for each other, things happen.

GOD will Answer our Prayers

When we pray for each other, the windows of Heaven pour down blessings upon us!

GOD will heal us

When we pray for each other, God’s healing power is activated, and miracles take place!

GOD will open doors for us to be used

When we pray for each other, God will use us in ways that we never would imagine!

GOD will grow us

When we pray for each other, God will grow us into who HE destines us to become!

GOD will lift our burdens

When we pray for each other, God will bear our burdens so and give us undeniable peace!

GOD will humble us

When we pray for each other, God will find our JOY in JESUS and HIM alone.

GOD will help us to overcome

When we pray for each other, God will keep our minds on HIM and our situation.

Let’s continue to keep our world and each other lifted in prayer and covered in the WORD of GOD.

I love you all!

#TrustGOD

We Are Tired: More Than A Hashtag!

June 2, 2020

I have watched and read posts in my timeline.

I have seen Instagram posts and Twitter tweets from everyone.

Sadly, I have had to unfollow, unfriend, and delete people whose true colors started to show through their masks.

I have read post after tweet about how the looters are savages and scum. Those same people posted, NOTHING on their timeline about the murder of George Floyd, that happened right in front of the world.

If that is, you, and you care nothing about the plight of African Americans and not willing to listen, have an intelligent conversion that will invoke change then, please…

DELETE YOURSELF NOW! YOU ARE NOT MY FRIEND!!

I am not trying to tell anyone what to put on their timeline, but without George Floyd’s murder, we would not be there today.

#SilenceIsConsent

I have watched and observed the supposed to be the leader of OUR country showed no sort of compassion for the African American citizens of THIS COUNTRY. We have fought and died in wars for a nation that was built on the backs of our ancestors, in the cotton and tobacco fields, all along the rail tracks across this nation, and in the very building where this so-called leader is currently residing.

This same “man” after he attempted to make a meaningful plea, he decided to use his and the WHITE HOUSE social media accounts, not to encourage and uplift, but he chooses to use the words from the Jim Crow era racists. (I won’t type those word here) Those words have fanned the flames of anger in this nation and around the world!

Instead of this “man” LISTENING, and meeting with people who had peaceful demonstrations, by taking a knee, he called them thugs, lowlifes, SOB’s, and called for them to be expelled from the country.

Instead of calling for peace from the Oval Office, he chose to grandstand in front of a church holding a book that I am not sure if ever used. I can boldly say this because as a man of GOD, how do you call for the National Guard to disperse tear gas and rubber bullets upon peaceful demonstrators holding up signs in front of the White House. Then you are going to hold the Bible that so many of us genuinely hold dear that specify speaks about GOD’s love for ALL his children!

One of my pastors once said, “Let your audio match your video.”

Instead of using the last 3 1/2 years to bring this nation together, it was further divided by insensitivity to one race over another. Before this man can say he loves African Americans, think about this; how many times has he used deceive efforts to keep black and brown people out of his buildings, places of employment, where we do more than serve you, your family, friends, and constituents.

We are tired is more than a hashtag! For over 200 years, we have been tired!

We were tired in 1619

We were tired during the Jim Crow era

We were tired during the Civil Rights era

We were tried during Redlining

We are tired of dying

We are tired of fighting

We are tired of losing

We are tired of being misunderstood

We are tired of being tired!

Our ancestors were tired

Our grandparents were tired

Our mothers and fathers were tired

Our children are now tired

I am still tired!

I pray for GOD to truly change the heart of men and women and open the eyes of the blind. Some of you are now WOKE. Congratulations! Now there is work to be done!

It’s time for a change!

#BlackLivesMatter

#WeAreTired

Faith & Trust – Fear

Wednesday, 20 May 2020

It has been a while since I have blogged, and I have resisted writing this blog post. God has been speaking to me about trust, and it has been the topic of our prayer line and others. I did not know what I wanted to say, but when God is tugging at your spirit, you must submit, or at least I submit.

You would think that with COVID-19 and the stay at home orders life would have slowed down for me. I am blessed to work from home, but I am also a part-time graduate student, and I still had duties to my church, community, and sorority. I have often wondered how I was maintaining before.

“But GOD”

As I sit here and ponder about the states and cities opening back up and can’t help but wonder if it is too soon. I don’t go out much, and I must admit I do panic a little when I go to certain grocery stores. I try to stick to shopping at the commissary and the BX on the fort. They have handled this crisis with military order and professionalism.

Our nation is trying to go back to normal, but what is normal? I don’t think that we will ever be normal. So, what are our choices? We can choose to live in fear or have faith and trust God. Let’s talk about the latter.

2^nd Timothy says God has not given us a spirit of fear but of love, peace, and a sound mind.

Fear does not come from the Lord.

I have tried to write this blog since last week, and I could not put the words together. But earlier this week, one of my prayer leaders spoke about praise and then another day trust. He said, “Praise is justified just because it is!” He also stated, “We must trust and have faith in God.”

For what I have experienced in my life, I have learned to have faith and trust God. I have also learned how to praise him while I am expecting.

While I was in the deep state of depression
While I was going through the early stages of grief
While I did not know how to pray for myself
When I did not want to live
When I did not know how I would make it to the next day
When I could not stop crying

One thing I finally realized was that God had NOT forgotten me!

He felt every pain
He grieved with me
He pleaded for me
He kept me alive
He made sure I made it to the next moment
He consoled and cared for me when I was crying

God did all of this for me, but I had to let go of my fear of living and have faith and trust that God would carry me through it all.

It did not matter what I faced; I had to press on, and I had to persevere. I had to survive and live, but first, I had to TRUST.

So, I ask you today, no matter what if going on in your life.
No matter what situation you are facing
No matter what the world or the doctors are saying.

Whose report will you believe?

So, ask you today…

Faith & Trust or Fear? The choice is always yours.

I love you all
Be Blessed in the Lord

Where Do You Stand?

5 February 2020

I am going to say something that may not be popular, but oh well.

I may lose some Facebook friends and some “friends,” but oh well…

If I have to think and act like you then… You were not my friend anyway!

You can delete me, or I can remove you… not an issue!

Well, I am not sitting back watching in the wings any longer! I will no longer bite my tongue.

I made a post earlier that said it only takes one person to change the world….

I have always been careful about what I post. I don’t demean or drag anyone in social media.

I am tired of we as a people and as a nation sitting back quietly while the morals in this country go to hell in a handbasket!

I am tired of posts by myself, or others getting attacked every time we oppose this leader, and no one comes to our defense! Silence IS acceptance!

I am tired of preaching and teaching my kids and my church babies that they need to do what is right, and they always need to treat people with respect, and yet it is not mirrored by our leaders. Then we are asked why?

I am tired of sitting by and watching people criticize anything someone says or does. Still, when Trump, the leader of this nation, demeans on social media and in national appearances, it is excused or ignored.

He has degraded a decorated war hero, mocked someone with a disability on national TV– 16-year-old child--, and the Central Park Exonerated. He has called women everything but their names, and even insinuated that a widow’s husband was in hell looking up at her! If we teach and tell our kids this is wrong, then why is it tolerated for this President?

People who I know to be God-fearing Christians stand by and never make a single post when this man is attacking someone in the most unchristian like way. But they are ready to drag Nancy Pelosi and anyone else though the mud when they oppose him. Posting demeaning memes is a characteristic of who? What would Jesus do?

Where is the grace?

Before anyone says it is not the same thing… What would you do if your child’s school called and said your child was behaving in this manner?

I know mine had better NOT EVER!!!

Posting about what happened during the State of the Union…. Don’t think that we have not forgotten behavior that was exhibited by the Republicans when President Obama gave his State of the Union addresses.

You said nothing when Michelle Obama, who is a Harvard and Princeton graduate, had a stellar law career, and also just earned her Ph.D. was dragged and attacked about the way she looked or for wearing short sleeves. You said nothing when she was called out of her name, and even her daughters were attacked. In fact, some laughed. But you give the current First Lady high praise when she has…. (I won’t also mention such vulgarities here). Don’t even get me started on Obama’s birth certificate and Trump’s taxes.

My point is…

I have been voting for a long time, and I have not agreed with everything any president has done. Until this current administration, I have always held all of our presidents in the highest regard.

HOWEVER, I have said this before, and I will keep saying it. As a Christian, educated, black woman, I will never support anyone regardless of their race, creed, religious affiliation, or political party who is morally corrupt! I do, and I will continue to pray for this President and the leaders of our nation, but I will NOT support, make excuses, nor condone what he does.

I will continue to pray, fight, and speak up like my ancestors did before me.

I will work to ensure that the civil rights and voting rights of all Americans stay intact and are respected.

I will not be silent.

I will not back down.

I chose to fight for the people whose voices cannot be heard.

I do and will always choose love!

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.” Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr.

Where do you stand?

LIVE and LOVE HARD!! Follow Your Dreams!

Time is precious… DON’T WASTE IT!

Friday, 31 January 2020

Family,

It took me some time to make this post. I needed to take stock of my own emotions regarding the death of Kobe Bryant and his 13-year-old daughter Gianna. I needed to make sure what I wanted to say was not stated with too much emotion. I wanted to write a sound commentary.

I am reminded of a scripture that Morgan’s Sorority sisters gave to her when her dad passed. This scripture became one that I have stood on. “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18 NIV).

I can’t say that I have followed Kobe’s career like some, but have sports fanatics in my family, so I definitely know who he was. I cannot even start to say, and I know Vanessa’s pain because I have both my daughters. However, for many widows, when you hear of another sister losing her husband, you can help but feel a stab in your own heart. I felt the need to say something to my circle, by my base, my family, to the people who I think listen to me.

It does not matter who the person is, or their celebrity status, or how much money a person has. This does not negate the fact that Vanessa Bryant lost TWO people that she loved with her heart and soul. She is grieving, and she is still going to be strong and present for her daughters because that’s what mothers do.

Let me tell you this, death and grief cross every ethnic, economic, religious, social, background in this universe! Can you name me one area, person, nation, or community that has not been affected by death?

Do you really think that because someone has money that their grief is less than anyone else?

Do you really think that because a person is famous that their grief is different?

Please tell me how their pain and grief are different? IT IS NOT!

If anything, it can be worse. They are forced to grieve and process their loss in the eye of the hypocritical, insincere, and unforgiving public!

I would love to say I am surprised and shocked by the many negatives posts and comments I have read since Sunday afternoon. However, I sadden to say that I am not. Everything from TMZ releasing information before the families were informed, the misinformation regarding who was on the helicopter, the reporter who felt the need to bring up his past just 2 HOURS after his death, to people and their insensitive comments, was insensitive and morally wrong!

I am sick of all of the negativity in our country!!

You can’t compare death or how the world responds to the death of someone who is well known by the world. The climate of the world we live in today and the spitefulness of our country leaders has made it acceptable for people to “tell it like it is,” regardless of how it could affect someone else.

I wish I could say I have never seen so much disrespect in this country. That would be a lie. For many of us, it has been going on for years, but social media has just elevated the cruelty to the front lines.

To those of us that may have widows or widowers in our communities, it is my prayer that you not only think before you attempt of comfort, but please pray first. You would not believe the many messages I have received, or things said to me in person about how they feel I should grieve, survive, live my life, and other ill-advised advice. I am not trying to be ungrateful or seem unappreciative, but no one other than the LORD can look out for my children and me better than me. I truly thank God every day for the genuine, sincere people in my village.

Just a simple statement of “I am praying for you,” or you are in my thoughts and prayer,” will go a long way.

People who are grieving all grieve differently and time is NOT a factor. It is not up to us to decide when it is time for them to “get over it or move on.” That is their OWN process, and it is not determined by time. It is between them and God.

Vanessa and her family will need her time to process all of this. They have a long road ahead of them. What little I do know about Kobe and Vanessa is that they were believers, and they were raising their daughters to have faith in God. I am sure Vanessa has a great support system with family and friends and their church. God, faith, family, friends, and church are the components in my life that are seeing me through. I am sure that she will lean on those elements to see her and her daughters through this.

This will not be easy, and this phase of her life is probably the most challenging she has ever had to deal with. More importantly, in time, she will get through this.

In time she will find it easier to wake up every day with promise.

In time she will look into the eyes of her babies and not break out into tears.

In time she will find her new purpose for her life and walk in that purpose.

In time as time and life move on, she will learn to move forward.

In time she will become stronger, and she is now gaining strength every day!

But in the meantime, my prayer for the Bryant family is that they stay close to God. I pray that they reach out when they have a need, and trust God to get them thought this. He is there, He has always been there, and he will NEVER leave their sides.

For those of us who are watching and praying… LIVE and LOVE HARD!! Follow your dreams!

You are NEVER too old to dream!

Live and love those around you!

Tell them you love them and that you appreciate them EVERY DAY!!

LOVE
FORGIVE
LOVE
LIVE

Live life with no regrets!

We don’t know how much time we have left on this earth, but I do know that that time is precious!

DON’T WASTE IT!

Trust God

His results are amazing!
Thursday, January 23, 2020

Hey Beloveds,

Of Course, when the Lord inspires as me to write well…I write. I tried everything to make this post yesterday, but I ran up against so many roadblocks!

However, it did give me more time to think about what Minister Kai said yesterday morning about digging out of the deep, out of the darkness. This morning he talked about peace and being who God created us to be, and we can’t do that until we find the peace that only GOD can give.

Many of you know I have been in the valley of the shadow of death. I was in the bottomless pit of darkness. It was not easy digging and climbing out of that pit, but I know that I could not have done it without the Lord.

I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel, the dark pit of despair. It was easier for me to stay where I was are rather than charter to the unknown and try digging myself out. Let me tell you, staying in the dark pit is no place for us to be, and God does not want us to stay there. I had a temporary residence in this hellacious pit!

This is a place where the enemy lives and rules.

The devil loves that place because in his home in his presence…

There is disparity
There is desperateness
There is no peace
There is judgment
There is evil
There are suicidal thoughts
Everything that is the opposite of what our Father wants for us is in that bottomless dark pit of despair.

The Good News is you don’t have to stay there!
Yes, there is a way out!

You MUST trust God through the process
You MUST lean on him
You MUST put all your faith
You MUST put hope
You MUST believe in him

I promise He will lead you out of that pit.
He will put all the necessary resources that you will need to help you get and stay out!

Please don’t give up and trust God. He has always been there. He is still here for you!
He said that HE will never leave you nor forsake you! 100% TRUTH!!

In my moments of despair and desperation, God did not leave me.
I was hurt. I was angry. I felt hopeless.
I left him. I walked away. I turned my back. I chose not to trust.
I decided to let the enemy in my head.

But God was there!
HE never left my side!
He was continually telling me that he loves me
That he has plans for me
He said that it was NOT my time

But, even during my time in the darkness, HE used me, and HE never gave up on me, and eventually, I didn’t give up on myself.
But I had a choice to make….

I had to choose to be who God created me to be, He equipped me for this time
I had to choose to dig out, but I didn’t dig out alone
I had to choose to live, but I don’t live alone
I had to choose to heal, but I did not heal alone
I had to choose to pray, but I did pray alone
I had to decide to step out on faith, but I DON’T walk alone
I have my JESUS with me every step of the way!

“Only those who believe that Jesus Christ is God’s Son can overcome the world”
1 John 5:4

I overcame my circumstances because I did not give up. I fought hard, and I trusted God because HE believed in me, and I believed in JESUS!
Thank you, LORD!

I love you all!
Have a fantastic day!

JESUS JOY

Happy New Year!!!

JESUS JOY

I am not going to blog or write about my expectations for 2020. Yes, even my daughters were shocked.

I have my goals and what I want out of 2020, but I am choosing to move silently, allowing GOD to direct my path. Anything God has for me, I am ready to receive.

However, our prayer focus for this morning was perfect, and God placed it upon my heart to share my journey to JESUS JOY.

If you have not read my post over the past 4 years or my blog, I lost my late husband in October of 2016. I suffered from depression, suicidal thoughts, feelings of worthlessness, I was an understandable mess. But God was not having it, and honestly, neither was I!

I have moved forward with my life and I have so much JOY and genuine happiness in my life!

I had to dig deep to find the Joy that God had placed in me when he formed me before I was placed in my mother’s womb. It was JESUS JOY

It is something that has carried me for the past 3 years going in my 4th year.

Year 1 Restoration
Year 2 Renewal
Year 3 Rejuvenation
Year 4 Discovery.
(I will write about these at a later date)

Joy, true JESUS JOY is rooted deep within our soul, and only Jesus can give us that pure Joy!

NO ONE can be truly happy without JESUS JOY.

I can tell you, I am a living witness… it is a facade, it is fake happiness.

The Lord saved me from my dark place, and I am not the person I was three years ago. HIS JOY was, and is definitely my strength!

Happiness in a surface emotion, but the true JESUS JOY that comes from the LORD is deeper.

It requires something from us…
It requires us to take some action…
It requires us to have something…
It requires us to be somewhere

What does it require?

It requires us to have something… FAITH

My faith is a foundation on which I have always stood, so holding on to my faith was not hard. I just needed to be reminded of and remind myself that God is still with me no matter what! Faith is something that does not just happen faith some after you have been through some things, and we have sought God, and he has been there. Faith is not in the CHURCH faith is IN GOD and only GOD!

It requires us to take some action… pray, petition, and or (if needed) seek therapy

We have to want Joy in our lives. I know for me I did not want to feel depressed, I knew that deep down I did not want to commit suicide, but I also knew that I had to do something about the thoughts that were tormenting my mind. I had to pray, and others were praying for me. I mention the prayer focus above that comes from a prayer line where we get together Monday through Friday morning to pray for each other, our community, and this country. The saints on that prayer line and others prayed me out of the darkness, and God let me to therapy. Believe me, both were desperately needed.

It requires something from us… total surrender

We cannot give something over to God and keep picking it up. Ether, we give it to him and let it go, or we keep worrying about it.

Worrying will prevent you from having JESUS JOY.

It requires us to be somewhere… In a position to receive

JESUS JOY just won’t come and perch its self on you. It requires you to be in a position to receive it. After you have kept the faith, prayed, and given over whatever is keeping you from God’s Joy, then you are in a position to receive true JESUS JOY. It will not be easy because the enemy will try to convince us that happiness and Joy are the same things. THEY ARE NOT! He will try to convince us that we do not need JESUS JOY.

I believe we were created and born with Jesus Joy, but life circumstances will cause us to suppress it. Think about a child they are joyful. Think about a baby’s belly laugh; it will bring a smile to our face and warmth to our heart. They are experiencing pure and true JESUS JOY. It is the strength that sustains us.

I am the poster child for choosing Joy regardless of my circumstances. I refuse to give the enemy any joy, kudos, or accolades over my life. God has been way too good for me to allow this to happen.

If I am declaring and promoting anything publicly for 2020, I am declaring that I continue I choose and promote that I still choose to have JESUS JOY over anything.

When you think about Jesus Joy, it’s clear and straightforward…

The Joy of the Lord is your strength.
(Nehemiah 8:10)

10 Day Walk Out of the Valley of Darkness Day 4 – Decisions

Day 4 – Decisions

God will give you strength for every battle, wisdom for every decision, the peace that surpasses understanding….

“Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting GOD know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of GOD’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when CHRIST displaces worry at the center of your life.” (Philippians 4: 6-7 MSG)

This 4th Day 3 years ago, was overwhelming with FINAL decisions, choices, conclusions, and resolutions. Who, What, Why, When, and How were questions that had to be asked and answered. Every tough, painful, agonizing, gut-wrenching decision made was made with GODLY wisdom, counsel, and much prayer. My future, our daughter’s future, my in-Loves (in-laws) future, our family, and friend’s futures were all at stake in our decisions.

I had to consider and wonder about what that we were robbed of and things that will never happen. Future graduations, birthdays, and anniversaries that would be missing a heart. Walks down the aisles, grandbabies being held and spoiled, days sitting and watching grandbabies play, futures were forever altered, and alternate realities were becoming real.

Day 4 was marked with suffering…

Yet, I was reminded not to fret or worry, and instead of worrying, pray. When I would look at this scripture over the years, I never thought it meant in a difficult circumstance like this. But you know our LORD, HE meant in all circumstances even the painful and agonizing circumstances!

It was not easy, but I had to give it over GOD and lay it at the foot of the Cross. I knew whatever happened. He was in control.

This decision at this moment later saved my life…

Day 1-10 Day Walk Out Of The Valley of Darkness!

Day 1

I woke up this morning with such a heaviness in my spirit…

I remember…

This Day three years ago, I had entered into what I call my 10 day walk into the darkness…

This is the day three years ago, my hope was fading fast, and my walk with grief and depression started…

This is the day three years ago when the tears would not stop…

This is the day three years ago when the anger was uncompromising …

This is the day three years ago when prayers were needed the most…

This is the day three years ago when a beautiful life was coming to an end…

This is the day three years ago when we had to make the toughest decision of our lives..

This is the day three years ago when I had to put all my hope, faith, and trust in GOD.

This is the day three years ago when I had to accept HIS will…

I knew then, as I STILL know now that..

HE is STILL my GOOD and PERFECT SHEPHERD , MY LORD,

I STILL lack for nothing!

HE STILL makes me lie down in green pastures,

HE STILL leads me beside the quiet waters

HE STILL refreshes my soul!

HE is STILL guiding me along the right paths, for HIS namesake

LORD as I enter into this 10 day walk into the valley and shadow of death…

I am STILL NOT afraid

Because YOU are STILL with me

YOU STILL protect and comfort me!

YOU STILL prepare a table before me in the presence of those who wish to see harm come to my family and me.

YOU STILL anoint and refresh my head and my life with oil,

My cup STILL continues to run over.

YOUR goodness

YOUR mercy

YOUR agape love STILL follows my family and me

All of OUR lives, so that we can dwell in YOUR house forever and ever.

I Praise YOU, FATHER, STILL today!

YOU are GOOD

YOUR grace and mercies towards me are everlasting!

In JESUS name…

AMEN!

Forgiveness

October 3, 2019

Okay, I know this won’t be the most popular opinion, but…

I try not to divulge into controversial issues on social media, but I felt I needed to speak out in support of a member of the Jean Family.

First…

Amber Guyger is definitely guilty of Murder and should have gotten a longer sentence. There are black and brown people in prison that have received more time for selling drugs than she received for killing another human. Both offenses are wrong, but the punishment should match the crime.

Secondly, Now… Forgiveness….

I look at this from a Christian perspective, because that is what I am first and foremost a child of GOD. You can say I am looking at things through rose-colored glasses, but I am just trying to see people the way Jesus does.

The bottom line as Christians, the Bible tells us, “The Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” Colossians 3:13

We forgive because God forgives. If He can do it, so can any of us. Right?

I know it is hard because I have had to forgive people for some horrendous things in my life. But you know what? I felt better because once I let that burden go, I left it at the foot of the cross and the feet of Jesus. Until I forgave, I was bitter and consumed with what happened to me and the hate I was embracing. It was eating at me from the inside. It was affecting my family and me. You have no idea how hard it is to grieve and forgive. Once I truly forgave, I was at peace in my heart, my mind, and my soul.

Now with that being said, I have not forgotten because I won’t allow myself to be hurt again, but I am at peace to move on with my life without harboring hate in my heart. I refused to be held hostage or give the power of my thoughts, feelings, life, and soul to anyone, but Christ. When my time comes, and I stand before God, I don’t want to have any hate or unforgiveness in my heart for anyone.

You cannot have hate in your heart and say that you love God. “If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannotlove God whom he has not seen.” (1 John 4:20)

I chose to forgive mostly for me, and other people benefited from my obedience.

The Jean family are a Christian family, and I am sure that Botham’s brother, Brandt, prayed and received enough peace and understanding from God to forgive. It was reported that he carried a Bible into court with him most days, and he was seen reading during court. He will never forget, and yes, there is still hurt, questions, and some anger. He is not weak, as some have said, but he is strong because he forgave.

He has decided to have the peace of knowing that because God has forgiven him many times over, he chose to forgive.

Amber has received an amazing gift of grace from Brandt, and the last thing she heard from him was, “I pray you find Jesus Christ” Brandt has done his job and planted a seed for Christ to cultivate it and cause it to grow. We don’t repay evil with evil. If she does not receive the grace and mercy that has been afforded to her and make a change, then that is between her and God.

“Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay, says the Lord. On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12:19-21)

Botham’s mother said that she is not ready for forgiveness, but she is getting closer to it. This is okay and perfectly normal. Forgiveness is a process that we have to go through to get to the point where we can forgive. BUT we must forgive! I can’t stress that enough; from my own experience, we must forgive.

I am not sure if they are going to appeal (I imagine they will), but just the pure act of grace that Brandt showed is not a sign of weakness, but it is an excellent sign of faith in God and the strength he has drawn from Him.

“Holding a grudge doesn’t make you strong; it makes you bitter, forgiving doesn’t make you weak; it sets you free.” (Anonymous)

May we all continue to pray for everyone involved.

Okay I am off my soapbox

I love you all with the love of Christ in me!

Have a blessed rest of your day!

One of Those Days

First, I want to say that I always write and blog when I am happy, and things are going well. As a blogger, I always want to be truthful, transparent, intentional, and upfront. Most days, I am upbeat and ready to conquer the world. There are also “One of Those Days.” Well, I am having one of those “Other of Those Days.”

I am having one of those days where I want to crawl back into bed and have a good cry.

I am having one of those days where everything seems to go wrong.

Woke up late.

Trash all over the yard from the animals.

Slow cars

Back up at the gate

I left my glasses at home.

I am having one of those days where right now, I don’t want to look on the bright side.

I am having one of those days where although it is sunny outside I feel like it is raining.

I am having one of those days where life does not seem fair.

I am having one of those days where I question my past, and every decision I have made.

I am having one of those days where I question my purpose and my existence.

I am having one of those days where nothing at all seems clear or make sense.

I am having one of those days where I don’t want to be strong.

I am having one of those days where I feel that I am not good enough.

I am having one of those days where my dark safe place starts to look good again.

I am having one of those days where I think, “What is the true meaning of life.”

I am having one of those days where old thoughts and fears want to creep back in my head.

I am having one of those days where even though I am having “One of Those Days,” I can’t reside here.

Even though I am having one of those days, I won’t allow the enemy to disrupt my progress.

Even though I am having one of those days, I won’t give the enemy any victory over my day.

Even though I am having one of those days, I won’t fall back into the enemy trap of depression.

Even though I am having one of those days, I can see past the enemy distractions and illusions.

Even though I am having one of these days, I DO know where my help and strength comes from.

Even though I am having one of these days, I am here, surviving, thriving, and I am living.

Even though he may have gotten a moment, the battle is still won by Jesus. Therefore, I am still winning!

Blessings and Love to you all!

Purging my Life 5.2 Purging the House Making my House into a Home “Meet My Dream Team”

September 2, 2019

My Dream Team

Now before I get further into this part of the Blog, you must know that I did not do this by myself. Remember I said above I tried and tried to do this. But we (my daughters and I) were paralyzed and overwhelmed. We could not do anything but survive the pain that consumes our heart. We knew that this was not the way to live, nor was it the way we wanted to live. Our house was not nasty by any means. It was just cluttered and unorganized. I have to give you the back story about who we call our Dream Team and our deep connection to them.

Meet my organizers Lauren Poe & Kike Ojo, Clutter to Clean.

Jose and Elaine Belardo

Elaine Belardo (also my one of Spiritual Advisor) will beautify, and turn your house into a home by making it a cozy, warm, oasis. She is also the founder of the “Deeper Windows Project” that she founded when her husband Jose’ Belardo, was diagnosed with Early Onset Alzheimer’s. Ironically he was diagnosed around the same time Michael was diagnosed with Lung Cancer in 2016.

Elaine, Mike, and Jose

I want to tell you how God works in our lives. I know for a fact that He knows what we need before we know we will need it. He prepares us for things that we are going to go through in our future, and he places the people you will need to lean on and glean from in your life and specific times. Only God can orchestrate our lives like this.

The book of Jeremiah states, “For I know that plans I have for you. Declares the LORD. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you plans to give you a home and a future.” God knew what was ahead for my life from the moment I was born, and when I looked back on my life, I can see where God was preparing me for such a time. He has always had, and He still does have my best interest always in mind. I prayed for a way out and trusted in the LORD, and He answered my prayers!

Tragedies can pull people apart, but they can also bond you for life!

When I met Elaine, her daughter Lauren was in high school. Looking back, both of our families were in a high season of our lives. Michael was retired after 21 years in the military and had a good after the military carrier going and Jose’ was a distinguished officer with U.S. Public Health Service. We were all very active in our churches and communities. Elaine was in charge of one of our Chapels Women’s group here at Fort Leavenworth, where we became friends. When our husbands were diagnosed with their respective debilitating diseases, we shared the bond of becoming caregivers to our husbands who were both the STRONG head of their household, something at our age we were not expecting!

Unfortunately, as you know, Michael made his transition home to be with God, but we both soon discovered that we were both grieving what was to be our future and we became each other’s shoulders to lean on. She has been there for me even though all of the work, pain, and grief she is going through. We have been each other’s sounding boards because some people, as well-meaning as they are, do not understand this type of grief and what it takes to keep going day by day. She has helped my girls and me through some of our darkest days and is always there to help us celebrate the good times in this new normal of our lives. I hope I am doing the same for her. I am proud to not only call her a part of our village, but she and our dream team are a part of our family. (I am still waiting on my adoption papers to come through)

So, to have them come in a do a total overhaul on our house was more comfortable than having strangers in my home. They had stock in our memories and an investment in our lives. Because they knew us personally, they knew how difficult this was and would be. They were very gentle and loving throughout the entire process, which took a couple of months. If the girls and I had to do this on our own, it would have taken us years to complete this type of project. Lauren and Kike kindly encouraged us to purge and did not push if something was too difficult to process or get rid of; they just found a way to organize it. Wait, now I am getting ahead of myself. Purging and reorganizing in the middle of a difficult situation is very hard and can be excruciating. But our Dream Team made the task bearable and yes, sometimes even fun!

I love you all

Have a blessed and Amazing Day

The Road to Restoration

Friday, August 30, 2019

My word for this Friday is Restoration.

Restoration means a lot of things:

Refurbishment

Repair

Renewal

Rebuilding

Transformation

Rejuvenation

Reconstructing

Restoring

For me, restoration means reestablishing and discovering who I am outside of who I was. I am learning to find my own way with my rules. I can tell you in the past three years I have made tons and tons of mistakes. There were so many things I was not aware of or had never done. You must realize I went from my grandmother’s home to my husband’s house. My life was completely turned upside down in every single area! There are things I wish I knew, there are things I wish I hadn’t done, and many there are many things that I have done that I am very proud of. But…

For a while, I did whatever I wanted because I seriously was not planning on living for long. (Don’t be surprised or shocked... depression and grief are real, and I was suffering!) But then after hours of prayer and therapy, God convinced me of my worth on my own and that I was NOT going anywhere! He said He had somethings I needed to do; He was not finish with me. Now I needed to get my act together! I do have some major cleaning up in my life to do, but I know that I am not alone!

My life now is nothing like I thought it would be. Nothing worked out the way I wanted or the way I planned. However, my life is not bad, it’s not easy, it’s pretty good, but I am also learning every day how to move forward with the hand I have been given. God has placed some extraordinary people in my life that pray for me, check on me, and will continue to love me in spite of my defects, flaws, and imperfections.

They are my…

Let me leave you with this: Mostly we must know that God will love us, forgive us, never leave us, and guide us no matter what we do. He will always be there for us. Believe me; it took me a while to get back to this frame of mind and way of thinking.

What is left now… I continue to move forward, learn from my mistakes, and operate in the attitude of restoration. Meaning I will not be hard on myself for living and making mistakes. I am thankful to be alive, breathing, walking, testimony of HIS great love for me. I am a mess, but, HE will take this mess and turn it into a great message!

I love you all

Have a blessed an Amazing Weekend!

Paralyzation (Pronounced Par-uh-lah-za-shun)

Wednesday, August 28, 2019

Paralyzation is the state of being paralyzed. It derives from the word “paralyze.” There are mixed reviews about whether this is a “real” word or not, but the term was real to me.

Frequently I will have other Christians ask me, “Why are you in therapy.” Can you just pray to God about it? Their questions got me to thinking. Was I a weak Christian because I decided to go the route of therapy and prayer instead of just trusting only in prayer? “Just wait on the Lord.” I really wanted to yell at them, “THAT’S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY! YOUR HUSBAND OR WIFE KISSES YOU GOODNIGHT EVERY NIGHT. I HAVE TO VISIT MINE IN A CEMETERY!” It was not have been very nice, but it would have been what I was actually feeling. But I kept my mouth shut and smiled. I did wonder if my twice a week, and now monthly therapy appointments make me less of a believer and other believers? Does this somehow make my testimony less impressive or less powerful?

ABSOLUTELY NOT!

The more I have thought about; I have come to realize that I was paralyzed. I was in a state of Paralyzation. Have you seen the show, ‘The Walking Dead”, that perfectly describes this time frame in my life. I was walking around going about the activities of my life, but I was not really there. My body was there, but I was far from it.

I was very good in my paralyzed state. I direct our plays, choirs, ran my different ministries in the church. I participated in community service, and community activities, I worked and interacted with people, and I received my degree, all with a huge fake smile on my face. I WAS IN A STATE OF PARALYZATION! Only by the grace of GOD, I was I able to function. If you paid close attention to my life… you could tell I was falling apart.

Like I have stated in previous blogs, I was pretty good at hiding what was really going on in my head. The reality was the everything in my head was all jumbled up. I prayed, and I know that God heard my prayers. That was not the problem. The real problem was that I could not hear from Him. Our relationship with God is two way. We pray and petition, and make a request, but then we have to listen to His instruction. There lies the problem; I could not hear His instructions. I was having trouble hearing from God. This is where my wonderful therapist comes into my life.

I said earlier that my mind was jumbled, right? It was jumbled with dark, depressing, harmful, and unpleasant thoughts. I did not want to live, I could not breathe, I was barely functioning, and everything led me to tears! I was in my very own state of Paralyzation. This is the reason why I needed to be in therapy. I needed help dissolving the harmful thoughts in my mind. It was as if these thoughts were banging loudly in my head, distracting me from hearing God’s voice. I kept hearing the enemy say that, “I was worthless,” “I was better off dead,” and that, “I was not going to make it!” I felt as if I had lost a big part of my inner self. I felt as if I had failed God, and he left me. This was more than grief I was experiencing. The grief triggered this journey into darkness, but the darkness was starting to consume me.

As I have always said, I was let by God to a Christian, a therapist. When I first met with my therapist, after I had cried my eyes out telling her what was going on in my life she told me, “Lolita, first I want to tell you that God loves you and HE is always with you.” Little by little as we worked through my issues, God was able to make some significant replacements in my life.

My darkness was replaced with HIS light.
My depression was replaced with HIS hope and joy!
My harmful and unpleasant thoughts were replaced with HIS thoughts of peace, love, and happiness!
Praise GOD!!! The paralysis was gone, and I was able to face what was in front of me. The enemy did not get to have his way, because I was able to hear GOD promises again whispering deeply into my spirit and my soul.

I was able to hear that HE still love me.
I was able to hear that I am beautiful.
I was able to hear that I am worthy.
I was able to hear that I will survive this.
I was able to hear that my life was not done.
I was able to hear that HE has big plans for me.
I was able to hear that I need to help others.
I was just finally able to hear from GOD again.

That was truly the sweetest sound I had heard in a long time.

I love you all!
Have a Blessed Evening!

Sleep Won’t Come

August 23, 2019, 2:51 AM

I tried to close my eyes,
I tried to shut down but my mind is still humming,
but sleep won’t come.

My mind wonders and worries about things that I can’t control
I give them to God, but I keep picking them like my soul can’t be consoled
Because sleep won’t come.

When I close my eyes, the images from the day’s events won’t let my mind shut down
There is a soundtrack in my head that plays a familiar sound
But sleep won’t come.

Most of the time it is that God loves me, and I am enough
But the voice of doubt that keeps me awake at night tries to rebuff
It makes sure that sleep won’t come.

Even though I know that God will see me through and Jesus is on my side,
I sometimes feel as if I am going through the motions and my mind is misapplied
Because sleep won’t come.

Even though I feel botched, bungled, mishandle, misunderstood, I still go on
I don’t give up no matter what the enemy throws at me, my mind is tired
Yet sleep still won’t come.

HIS light, that’s the light of the world, is always shining upon me.
I am a light in the midst of the darkness,
But still…sleep won’t come.

Rest is fleeting, and I am fatigued.,
But still… sleep won’t come, but nevertheless, I am intrigued.

Because I remember… “Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”

I will come to you Lord and seek the rest that you give.
I will go on, and I will continue to live the life that you want me to live.

I will rest in you LORD, and I will continue to seek YOUR face.
I won’t grow weary because I am covered my YOUR amazing grace.

I have prayed, and now I will close my eyes and trust in Your Lord

Finally, my sleep will be restored

And yes, REST will finally come.

Purging my Life 5.1 Purging the House: Making my House into a Home “Taking the Plunge”

August 9, 2019

After all, that I have mentioned in previous posts, you would not believe that my home was my toughest area to purge. I would please ask that this become a no-judgment zone because you can’t imagine what we were going through to function every day. This area is tough for me to write about, probably because for me, it brought me the most shame. I was embarrassed that I let my home get into this condition. However, I did learn through my therapist that this is normal when you are grieving such a significant loss. There was no need for shame and condemnation, and I was taking action!

Purging and organizing was a huge deal and a significant overhaul for us, so I will break this up into parts, showing before and after going room by room after I introduce you to our Dream Team.

A House vs. A Home

There is a big difference between a house and a home. Merriam –Webster stats the proper definition for a house is, “a building that serves living quarters for one or a few families.” The description for home is, “one’s place of residence, a social unit formed by a family living together.” Those are excellent definitions, but, I believe that a house is somewhere you live, you sleep there, but it feels like a residence, dwelling, domicile, somewhere you exist. A home is a family. It is warm, inviting, and it is your refuge, your oasis. It should be your escape from the real world. When you walk into your home, you should feel joy, love, and warmth. My house was nothing like that. I knew I had to make a change in my home life when I wanted to spend more time at work or more time away instead of going home.

I would come home every evening and sigh. This house was not my haven, and it was not my escape. It was my prison. There was a room in my home that we called the “Man Cave” that looked like Michael had just left and was going to return any day. He kept that room immaculate and always told us when he left to go TDY to keep his room together. We all loved to hang out down there. At first, that room was comforting, and we all felt closer to him when we were in there, then it became overwhelming. Other areas of our home were disorganized, nothing had a place, and we needed a change, and we needed to purge.

Before: Man Cave

Before: Man Cave Pictures

Turning Point

I started by deciding that it was time for me to do something with all of Michael’s things. I held on for two years, trying time after time to clean out my closet. Deep down, I knew that he was not coming back, but when I decided to start, I would get overwhelmed, start crying, and then walk out of the room. I knew It had to be done but, I was paralyzed, and I could not do it. No matter how much I wanted to or how hard I tried to do this, I could not! I needed help.

One-day months later, I was finally able to pack up all of most of Michael’s clothes and donate them. We have a free garage sale in our town called “God’s Open Closet,” ran by the Fortress of Faith Church,

2700 Wilson Ave, Leavenworth, Kansas

If you live in my area…

The ministry of God’s Open Closet is to provide clothes, coats, household items, and furniture to anyone who has a need. Individuals who come are never asked for personal or financial information.

Items are donated by local families, churches and from area garage sales. Tax-deductible receipts are available upon request. To donate: bring items Saturday mornings or call (913) 683-3953, (913) 682-6779, or (913) 704-6033. Hours: Saturdays from 8 a.m. to Noon. Closed the 3rd Saturday of each month and Holiday weekends. Subject to weather conditions January to March.

You can donate what you do not need (in good conditions), and they give them away to the community. I know that Michael is pleased to know that someone in need was able to use his clothes and shoes; this made it easier for me. That was a big step in moving forward for me, but there was still more to be done.

Moving Forward

For me to move forward, I needed not to let go but discover MY way to embrace my new normal, and I knew that this was one of the areas I needed to conquer. It is not about erasing what was it is about remembering all that was, what I have learned, how I have grown and built upon the strength that the Lord has given me to stand in my current life. I had no choice but to move forward because time was not waiting for me. Jeremiah 29:11 tells me that God has things planned for me, for my future, and I needed to learn how to embrace my past and also embrace my future.
I love you all

Have a blessed and Amazing Day

Yes, I Have Changed, Wouldn’t You?

July 23, 2019

Yep, I sure have changed.

You cannot go through and experience what I have experienced without changing. Change can be good and I think that my changes are wonderful, but some may think otherwise. Guess what… Not my problem. I will continue to love you, but I must continue to live for me. Those who truly love me understand that and continue to stand in my corner and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

You must understand that deep grief and depression will change you and challenge your existence in this world. When you have to fight the enemy so hard just to exist… you change. You do not come out of the battle the same. There are some scars.

When I say that I have changed, I mean that God has made me stronger, resilient, and I realize that I can do more than survive. I can live! By any means necessary I will live.

Let me tell you this if I continue to not only get up out of my bed every morning but also have pure joy in my heart and my soul, those days are all very good days. I am happy to report the most days are now very good days!

You see I have to change to adapt to the world I am living in, in my present state. Now before you say, “You do not suppose to change to fit into the world.” I am not changing to fit the world I am adjusting to my circumstances. I can no longer afford to be the Lolita I used to be. Financially, physically, or emotionally, my points of views have changed. Let me explain: I wear glasses, so it is as if I am looking through my eyes and everything is blurry and unclear, but I have worn this same prescription for years. However, now since my vision as changed so does my prescription. My prescription had to be adjusted to adapt to the new changes in my eyes. My vision is very different than it was this time three years ago. This time three years ago I lived with a different set of circumstances, responsibilities, and hopes, which I still have but they are now different because I am different.

I am continually evolving into something new. God is doing something wonderful in me! God is leading me down a new and different direction, a new path, and I am trying to follow his lead. The Lord knows His daughter, and I may not do everything to his specifications but I am trying. I am still a beautiful masterpiece, yet I am still a work in progress, God is not through with me yet.

I love you all!!
Have a Wonderful and Amazing Morning!

There was an old song we used to sing in the choir when I was younger, by the Rev. James Cleveland;

Please be patient with me,
God is not through with me yet.

Please be patient with me,
God is not through with me yet.

When God gets through with me,
when God gets through with me,
I shall come forth,
I shall come forth like pure gold.

If you should see me and
I’m not walking right,
and if you should hear me
and I’m not talking right;
Please remember what God has done for me,
When He goes through with me,
I’ll be what He wants me to be.

Please Be Patient With Me “God Is Not Through with Me Yet”

Okay, I had one of those white blouses with the ruffles in the video!! It was a choir requirement! LOL

Video and Picture courtesy of Youtube[Merlin] The Malaco Music Group (on behalf of Malaco Records); Peermusic, BMI – Broadcast Music Inc., and 2 Music Rights Societies

(James Clevland and Albertina Walker)***

Purging my Life 4: Physically Purging the house and the body Body Purge/ Heart Matters

July 18, 2019

The Body

I am still developing this area; it is a work in progress. This is a two-step process for me. One involves the heart the other involves the physical body. There will be more to come on the physical body. I am working on my plan to become physically healthy. My daughter and I are adopting the Keto Diet and an exercising program. I am doing the meal prep and she is coordinating our exercise program. I will make sure to keep you updated on our progress and what we are doing, and how we are doing. Y’all keep praying for me! (lol)

The Heart

Now the matters of the heart are different altogether. Shortly after Michael’s transition in 2016, I had a talk with my Pop, (Pop Skipp), and he told me not to close off my heart. I asked him what did he mean by that because surely he did not mean what I was thinking. He did. He said that Michael would not want me to be alone and that he would want me to be happy. I told him I know but that would never happen, ever! It was the furthest thing from my mind. Actually, I told one of my brothers at church that God would have to put someone right in front of me for that to happen. This will have to wait for another blog post discussion at a later date. (Smile)

Matters of the heart involve more than just the love of another person. Yes, that is very important; because we all desire the need to be wanted and loved but matters of the heart also include your passions. What you are passionate about should fuel your heart, encourage you, and stimulate you to move forward. This was a time that I used to work on myself.

Life-Long Goal #1: Bachelor’s Degree

Despite the enemy’s rude accusations and intrusion in my life, in 2017 I DID finish a lifelong dream that he said I could never accomplish!

I completed my Undergraduate Degree!

From the time that I had to leave school in the ’80s, I have always had the desire to finish my degree. I grew up in Highland Park Michigan in a small town surrounded by the Detroit Metro area, with my cousins, the Heaths. My Grandmother’s married last name was Shaw, but she was born in Warrington GA. Yes, she is the one who taught me how to cook.

I had been in school from 2008 to 2017! So yes, I was discouraged and especially then because I seriously doubted myself. I was very close in In May of 2016, but due to Michael declining health, I decided to take a break. This was important for me because I wanted to be there fully for him as his caregiver.

In January 2017 a few months after his transition, I thought I was ready. You know the enemy was waiting on me! I enrolled in classes and I started getting anxious, and the thoughts came that I was not ready, I could not do this, and I was going to fail. I dropped the classes I and I had succumbed to defeat. Nevertheless, we serve an awesome GOD that does not give up on us that easily!

A few weeks later, my academic advisor called me, and he noticed that I had dropped out of classes for this session. His exact words were, “I know you are having a rough time and dealing with many things right now. But I wanted you to know that you only need 3 elective classes to graduate” I said “What!” He said, “Yes ma’am you only need three classes and they are electives to receive your diploma” Let me tell you taking two online classes in an 8-week period is not an easy task and I needed to take three! However, was determined to finish!

One of the last conversations I had with Michael was about school, and how much it was costing and how long I had been going. He said “Lita, I don’t care about all of that, I just want you to finish” I pushed and prayed through those 8 weeks and on May 15, 2017, I received my Bachelor of Arts in Biblical and Theological Studies!

I am finally a college graduate!! GOD IS GOOD!!

Life-Long Goal #2: Membership

For as long as I could remember, I wanted to be a part of a Sorority, but not just any sorority. I admired different women in my life that were members of this organization for years. I knew to be a part of a group of strong, extraordinary, educated women; I needed to step up my game. I did not just watch from the shadows, I continued life. I worked in my church and my community among many of these women. They are already my friends and sisters.

On January 13, 2018, I went to a meeting to gather more information and to let it be known that I was interested in starting the application process for membership into their organization. After receiving all of the necessary information, I began to gather my own documents and information needed for the application. Once I completed the application process, I waited and prayed hoping that I was among those selected to be granted the opportunity to seek membership into this illustrious organization. I finally received a call that I was selected, and I was ecstatic!! My 13 line sisters and I entered into an exhilarating, enlightening, and knowledgeable process, and on April 15, one day shy of what would have been my 30^th wedding anniversary; I fulfilled a lifelong dream we were granted membership into the greatest sorority on the planet, Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc.

Even though it was the day before what was our wedding anniversary, this day turned out remarkable! Here I was still healing and dealing with my grief, anger, sadness, and depression. Thinking about what could have been and once again, God showed up and gave me a new reason to celebrate during this period. It could have been a week before or a week earlier, but it was the same week. (God’s divine plan) From that day on this time from in April will NOT be a source of sorrow and regret it will be a time of reflection, remembrance, and celebration. I will always remember April 16^th but I will celebrate the time that I gain not only 13 new sisters, but I also became a part of a worldwide sisterhood.

I was doing more than learning to survive in this new phase, this new chapter of my life, I was learning to live. I am stepping out into new horizons and experiencing things I have never experienced before. I have people who love and encourage me to be myself and not to fear what God has in store for me.

Someone very special told me “I could do anything I put my mind to do.”

I am stepping out on faith and giving this new chapter in my life a try. Does it terrify me to think about putting my heart and myself out there after 30 years? YES, it does. Nevertheless, it is all a part of the process of moving forward.

FAITH OVER FEAR

I am activating God’s plan for the rest of my life. I am plugging into what he has already instilled in me. I may not have known what the future holds but God did, and HE has prepared me for it, and I am ready for whatever HE has in store for me next. Chapter 2 is underway.

I love you all!

Be at peace & Have a Beautifully & Blessed Day!

Purging my Life: Part 3 (continue..) Mentally Learning How to Breathe Again Purging the Toxins Out of My Mind and Finding Joy Again

July 5, 2019

My Therapy Experience

My experience with therapy has been nothing but awesome and positive. God had led me to an amazing therapist, which I connected with, and I started my journey to healing and wellness.

Remember those stages of grief I told you about earlier, I have hit them all and I sometimes bounce back and forth between them depending on the triggers or what is going on in my life at the time. In February of 2017, when I sat down with my therapist the first thing she said was, “Lolita, tell me what is going on with you.” I started to tell her all the things that had been going on in my life thus far. After about 30 minutes and many Kleenex later, I finally let her speak. She said, “Lolita, I first want you to know that you have done nothing wrong and God is always with you.” I knew that because she first acknowledged God before anything else I knew that I was in the right place and that God had led me to the right therapist.

I started out seeing my therapist twice a month. I had a lot of things I needed to work out and my emotions, my moods, and my thoughts were all over the place. My therapist was able to give me the tools I needed to combat and battle depression. After attending a few sessions, I knew that there was no way would I be able to do this on my own. Yes, I did pray and I prayed a lot. My village was praying for me and getting therapy was the answer to our prayers. However, I had to get off my butt and seek help instead of sinking deeper and deeper into depression. God would not let me give up, so off to therapy I went.

Session after session I felt myself becoming stronger and coping with my emotions. I was able to be a strong mother for my daughters and others who were grieving along with us. I remember after one of my sessions I thought to myself, “I am going to make it,” “The enemy will NOT win,” “I will survive this,” “Victory is mine because I have victory in JESUS.”

It was because of my therapy that I am writing this blog. It is because of therapy I am alive to write this blog! I wanted others to know that therapy is not a bad thing. Therapy is not the taboo or this evil that has been wrongly categorized in our community for years. Therapy is very healthy and I believe that for me it is essential to my self-care.

I have been in therapy for over two years now. By now, monthly sessions have been crucial to my overall well-being. My head is clearer, I can think straight, and my therapist is helping me to work on future goals, now that I know that I still have a future. Yes, I believe the Lord always had a plan for me but I also know that I could not see past my own hurt, pain, misery, destruction and whatever negative word you can insert, to accept and embrace HIS plan.

Therapy for me is a gateway to help me see past any negative thoughts or perceptions I have about my life or myself. This has enabled me to see the bright and prosperous future that the Lord has intended for me. Remember you are stronger than you think you are. Do not be afraid to seek the help you need. Make that appointment with a therapist today. You should be afraid if you do not seek help and end up staying in the same depressive state you may be currently experiencing, and THAT is NOT healthy!

It is not about “telling your business,” or “keeping things in the house”. It is about making sure you are mentally healthy. It is about taking care of yourself. It is about self-motivation, self-care, and self-preservation. It is about learning how to breathe again and discovering that joy again in your life.

I know that if I can do it so can everyone else!

I love you all!

Be at peace & Have a Beautifully Blessed Day!

The Famous Facade

Tuesday, June 11, 2019

Just a little short blog today…

My heart has been breaking hearing about more suicides in the news and even one we had here locally, so I had some things I needed to get off of my chest!

I remember the character of the Joker from Batman. The Joker always had a painted on smile on his face to hide from everyone else what he looked like. He wore a “mask” because not only his face was disfigured, but his past and things that happened also tormented him. I believe that people who are grieving and or going through depression live life through a masked face. I am sad to say that this was true for myself. I managed well to maintain my facade.

A Facade is an outward appearance that is maintained to conceal a less pleasant or credible reality.

This picture was from February 2017. My heart was absolutely broken into a million pieces and I did not know how I was going to hold it together! I wanted it all to end. The pain, the sorrow, and the grief, it all had to go!

This picture was taken a few days ago. I am happy, healing, mentally healthy. I am discovering who I am and who God is calling me to be.

If I did not give you caption to describe what was going in with me… would you have known by my pictures?

Did you know when you ran into me at the commissary, PX, or Walmart.

Did you know when you talked to me on the phone or chatted through Facebook or text?

I am not sure if my daughters knew how low I was sinking into the darkness.

Mental illness, Depression, grief, anxiety, and any other title you want to give it has no face! It has no type, class, race, or religion. It does not favor one person over another. It just devours!

It seeks to kill, steal, and destroy!

Sounds familiar…

Trust me; you cannot fight it on your own. I needed GOD, and yes, I needed prayer! God promised me “I would have life and have it in its fullest!” I also needed someone to help me navigate my spiraling emotional downfall.

I prayed to God for help and he led me to an awesome therapist. Read more in https://wordpress.com/post/blessinginthestorm.com/397

This issue has to be addressed in the African American community. This is a stigma that is hurting us. How many time have we heard “we don’t tell our business” “what happens in this house, stays in this house”. “We can just pray it away.” These comments and others similar are killing our communities! STOP IT!!

NOW…

Don’t ever get me wrong or get it twisted! I am first and foremost a Christian and I believe strongly in prayer and that prayer changes things.

So Yes, pray!

However, you have to pray for God to lead you to a Mental Health Professional that HE has equipped to help you!

Suicide is preventable but unfortunately, when I was dealing with the emotional and mental issues that go along with depression I was not able to pray these feelings away. My head was not clear enough to pray or listen to what God has to say!

Encourage your family to seek help! Seek help for yourselves!

To those of us that are suffering in silence… DON’T! You do not have to do this alone! Find a family member, friend, or a coworker, who will help you get to the proper resources that are out there.

To those of us that are seeing a therapist, we do not have to be hush, hush about it. If we are expected to help others, how can they relate to us if we are ashamed and hiding the fact that we needed therapy. People need to know that seeing a therapist is not a bad thing, and you are not weak for seeking help. In actuality, you are STRONG because you recognize there is an issue.

I personally think EVERYONE should have a consultation with a therapist! I see one on a regular basis and I AM PROUD OF IT!! If GOD had not led me to the right one… I would not be here today!

THANK YOU JESUS!!

IT’S OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY!!

#STOPTHESTIGMA

#youcanprayandstillseekhelp

I love you all!

Have and Amazingly Blessed Night!

Purging my Life: Part 3 (Continued)

Mentally

Learning How to Breathe Again

Purging the Toxins Out of My Mind & Finding Joy Again

May 20, 2019

When you are finding it hard to take your next breath, you have to find a way to move forward and breathe again. Finding the RIGHT therapist was the next move for me.

Finding the Right Therapist

Finding the right therapist is a process and it is not an easy process. You should meet and talk with them to get a feel for their methods and to see if they are the right fit for you. If you can find the right therapist the first time around then you are blessed! I talked with a few therapist before I found the right person. They were all very nice people, but I prayed for God to show me the right one. I was very meticulous, so I also had a few criteria’s that I was looking for in a therapist.

I needed someone objective who could listen.

I needed someone who would teach practical solutions and help me clear my head.

I needed someone to help me find my courage to fight and not to fear going forward with my life.

I needed someone to help me find my way back to my source of power.

I needed someone who would respect my belief system.

I needed someone to help me pick up the shattered and fracture pieces of what was left of my life.

A faithful God believing, Bible believing Christian.

“Listen to advice and accept discipline, at the end you will be counted among the wise. Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.” (Proverbs 19:20-21)

My faith is very important to me, so I know I needed a therapist I could learn to trust, who was like-minded and has a similar belief system as I do. I knew that God was the source and power of my strength, but the grief and pain in my mind was not allowing me to connect. It is as if you know your cell phone is dying and you need to find a charger for your brand of phone. However, you cannot use any charger, you have to find the right charger for your phone, or it is not going to work. This is why I was having such a hard time dealing with my struggles in my life. I was plugging in to grief, pain, misery, and to an enemy that not only did not care about me but also hated me with every ounce of his being! Who is the source nothing but calamity, chaos, and confusion!

I needed to reconnect to the source of my strength.

I needed to reconnect to the Lord.

What I was not going to do was:

I was NOT going to entertain anyone that went against the word of God.

I was NOT going to entertain anyone that went against my belief in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.

I was NOT going to entertain anyone that challenged my faith as a believer.

I was not going to compromise or settle because I knew that my soul would not be satisfied until I had gotten my connection to God back.

Specializes in grief therapy and the processes of grief

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)

How can a therapist give me the proper tool to deal with my grief without having the proper training in grief therapy? My girls and I were deeply grieving and dealing with anxiety regarding our future. I was dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts. We were broken hearted and our spirits were crushed. We needed someone who was going to be able to deal with every spectrum of our grieving process. In my own research, as I looked for a therapist I noticed many standards that classified grief. According to Psych Central, there are five stages of grief:

Denial and isolation

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

“People who are grieving do not necessarily go through the stages in the same order or experience all of them.” (Psych Central)

However, I think that I more related to the article from Proactive Change, which stated, “This is not a mechanistic model — the stages do not occur the same way for all people; they can last very little time, or a lot of time; and they can be inter-related.” (Proactive Change) These are the seven stages of grief that they list:

Shock or Disbelief
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Guilt
Depression
Acceptance and Hope

I know that some people do not hit all the stages of grief but I know that I went/going through them all and not in this order.

I will go into my experience with this later but this site gives you the breakdown of each stage if you want to read more.

https://proactivechange.com/stress/grief-stages.htm

https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/grief/understanding-the-stages-of-grief/

My therapist Dr. Jacqueline Pfeiffer has been helping my daughters and myself on all these aspects of this grief journey/process and it has changed my life.

My daughters HAD to be comfortable with the therapist as well

It was important for the continuity of our care that my girls saw the same therapist. She does not discuss our issues with the other, but she use our sessions to help us as a family unit. That is why I needed for each of them to see the therapist as well and get their input and their thoughts. God placed an awesome therapist in our lives. We all liked her and seemed to open up to her easily. It is very important for me to pray for God to send me the right therapist. If you cannot open up to your therapist about what is going on in your head or be able to tell them your deepest darkest secrets, then you are wasting theirs and your time. Therapy only works if you put your all into the sessions.

My daughters were dealing with their own set of issues and they needed someone other than mom to talk about what they were going through. I lost my husband but my daughters lost their Daddy. They will have to deal with the fact that he will not be available for all of their firsts that will continue happened in their lives. This is something that they could not nor could I navigate on our own. We needed help and sound advice on how we could take the next steps to the new chapter of our life.

All those stages of grief we experienced and we still experience are the steps we need to take toward our healing process. We took a giant leap of faith in trusting someone, a stranger at first, with the sanity of our minds, and the fragile contents of what was left our hearts.

Once all the key elements were in order and in place, we were able to go forward with our healing and rejuvenation process.

¹ Axelrod, J. (2019). The 5 Stages of Grief & Loss. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 14, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/

² 2019 Proactive Change and Proactive Coach https://proactivechange.com/stress/grief-stages.htm

Grace not Perfection

May 13, 2019

I am taking a little break from “Purging My Life” series to write about my experience this past Saturday.

I love when my jewelry speaks for me. The bracelet I choose to wear today just set the way I felt when I woke up this morning. God will speak to you in the most incredible but yet simplest ways.

“I will hold myself to a standard of Grace not perfection”
(1 Corinthians 15:10)

https://www.premierdesigns.com/101/retail-catalog/shop-by-type/bracelets/more-grace#

Human beings seem to strive for this unattainable perfection. It seems to be embedded in all of us to strive for impossible perfection. Yes, I did say unattainable and impossible, because I believe it is unattainable and impossible for us to reach perfection outside of the presences of God. I do not think that we should ever strive for perfection, but until I am with the Father in heaven, I will strive for Grace.

Ephesians 2:8-9: “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God; not by works, so that no one can boast.

Growing up I was always told, “Practice makes perfect.” What does that mean? I played violin from 2nd grade to 11th grade and we were told this quote repeatedly. I can tell you I practiced all the time and I was good but I was far from perfect. That was very disappointing to a child to play all those hours and I never reach the perfection that our Orchestra Director told us we should achieve. However, practice does make better or practice does cause improvement.

So whenever I had to speak in front of a group of people I would get very anxious and nervous, because I was striving for this notion of perfection! I know I will not be perfect and I was always afraid of messing up. I was always told more about what I was doing wrong than what I was doing good or right. Some believe all this toughness will make you stronger.

It does not make you stronger it rips you apart little by little and you are then afraid to strive for the greatness that God has planned for you. Worst more of this negative talking and thinking will cause depression and then the thoughts of suicide can follow.

On Saturday, My chapter, The Leavenworth Alumnae Chapter of Delta Sigma, Theta Sorority, Inc hosted our 1st Annual Behavioral Health Fair. I was asked to tell about my journey with depression. I said I would need to pray and think about it but later I reluctantly said yes, because I was immediately convicted and was told that words I speak can inspire others. God reminded me that He had greater things planned for me; I just need to continue to step out on faith. I needed to step out of my comfort zone!

I have been asking God to use me so I knew that I could not pass up this moment to tell my story. Therefore, I stood up in front of an audience of my sorority sisters and members of the community and told my testimony of how I live with depression. Yes, I did say how I live with depression. I am not over anything, but what has happened is that I have learned to live an awesome life despite any depression. I know what my triggers are and I stay on top of it to counteract the negative and minimize the damage. I was very nervous but I needed to tell my story with the hope that others might be able to tell their own story one day.

I want to be a voice for those that cannot or are not able to speak for themselves until they are able to speak up and tell their own stories. You do not need to wait until you achieve what you feel is perfection to have your words heard. If you are scared, do it scared. Just go for it! I started writing while I was a broken mess. My therapist suggested I start writing, journaling, and starting this blog page. The more I wrote about my depression, grief, brokenness, and the goodness of God through it all, the more the pieces of my shattered life starting mending. I was encouraged to write but more God encouraged me to live., and starting this blog page. The more I wrote about my depression, grief, brokenness, and the goodness of God through it all, the more the pieces of my shattered life starting mending. I was encouraged to write but more God encouraged me to live.

We have to change the narrative. It is no longer acceptable to keep berating anyone and pouring words, criticisms, and negativity into people’s lives. Yes, we should be able to accept constructive criticism, but we also have to look past the errors and reinforce each other with some positive God led affirmations. I would 100% guarantee for every negative we find in someone, we can find a positive. I believe that there are more positives then there are negatives. We need to build each other up not tear each other down. We need to strive even more for GRACE, not perfection.

I love you all,

Have a Beautifully Blessed Day

Purging my Life: Part 3

Mentally

Learning How to Breathe Again

Purging the Toxins Out of My Mind & Finding Joy Again

May 10, 2019
Good Afternoon Lovelies!!

Here is part 3 of Purging my Life. Sorry for the long break; my life got hectic. Between church and my sorority, I did not have time to blog, but I did write and capture thoughts of how I was feeling. I am continuing this journey of purging my life to my mental health. I think this blog comes in handy as May is Mental Health Month, and if you have been reading my blog, you know I am a big advocate of therapy and taking care of our mental health. Remember, if you even think you need to talk to a therapist, do it anyway.

I know my last post was super long, so I will break this one up because it is getting long as I write.

You have to know that I was in therapy during this time of my Spiritual renewal. Michael transitioned on October 25, 2016, and I went into therapy in January 2017. This was not so hard for me. I have already discussed the need for therapy when you are depressed, near depression, or even thinking about depression. I am, and I have always been an advocate for therapy! I believe that God has people he has gifted in this area in dealing with our minds and how we think and act.

I can only speak for myself, but I needed someone to help me sort through all the pain, anger, sadness, and grief I was experiencing so I could SEE and KNOW that God was still with me.

The pain I was feeling, He was feeling as well. Yes, prayer changes things, and prayer works. I did pray; however, how could I sincerely pray to God when I was holding Him responsible for not answering my prayer, many prayers, and for “taking away” someone I loved? I could not hear from Him because I was closed off. I did not want to hear from Him because I was angry and hurt. I went through all the motions, but my mind was everywhere but on God. My prayers were empty prayers derived from my traditional needs, not my heart. It was like a muscle reaction, something I always did.

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:6)

What is Grief?

According to Merriam-Webster, “Deep and poignant distress caused by of as if by bereavement; a cause of such suffering; an unfortunate outcome” (3Mar2019)

Greif through the ages:

Latin – gravis-to weigh down; gravare- to make heavy

Old French – grever– to burden, afflict, grief – oppress, injustice or misfortune

English – grief – mental suffering & deep sorrow (Loveliveson.com)

For me, grief is the painful, emotional, agonizing, loving, heartfelt way to show how much you care for a person that has transitioned out of this life. If you grieve for a person, you genuinely care or love that person.

I believe how you grieve depends on the person you are grieving for…

My mother, Betty Florence (Shaw) Williams, died when I was very young from Cervical Cancer when I was 5. Sadly, I do not remember much about her, just a few memories here and there. However, I do remember grieving for her, especially in my teen years when every girl wants her mother. Therefore, that grief was situational. My grief for my mom depended on the situation. Some of her Birthdays and many Mother’s days were hard, and people could be insensitive. I have heard everything from “Well you did not know her” to “It has been long enough for you to be over it.”

My grief for my Grandfather and Grandmothers, Lister Shaw, Hunter Florence (Heath) Shaw, Mary (Hayes) Williams, and my Mother in Law, Hattie Law (She passed at 55 in 2002), was more profound because I had a relationship with them. Still, you always expect them to pass before you do.

I cannot imagine the grief of a parent, and I am not going to compare it to hers, but I did witness it firsthand when my mother passed. I experienced the aftermath of my Grandmother’s grief. She never got over my mother’s death. She coped with it the best way she could, and some practices were unhealthy. She would drink her sorrows away, so I lived with a grandmother/caregiver who was an alcoholic. Of course, this adversely affected my life growing up because I never outlived my mother’s shadow, and had to help my grandmother deal with her grief. I knew that I needed help because; I was not going to put myself or my daughters through this nightmare.

The grief of a spouse at a young age is also an unbearable pain. You expect to spend your life together; you have hopes and dreams for a future, and then in an instant, it is gone, and you are left with nothing but a heart that was broken into a million pieces and a broken, fractured future. I knew I had to pick up the pieces of my life and try to put it back together again. This is where I needed therapy. I could not pray, drink, or ignore these feelings. Away, although I tried, nothing worked. Therefore, I HAD to seek help, but had to find the right therapist.

Be Blessed and
I love you all,
Lolita

Purging my Life: Part 2

Spiritually

Finding My Right Focus & Finding my Voice Again

March 13, 2019

Good Morning Lovelies!!

Here is part 2 of Purging my Life. As I continue to write about my process, I am gaining more clarification on my purpose, and learning about who I am today. God is still molding me, making me into what he wants me to become. I am still a work in progress.

^“being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6 )

Spiritual Purge is like the detoxification of my soul. When you go through a traumatic experience, you start to question every aspect of your life. My connection with the Lord is the most important connection I will ever have, yet I was questioning God’s importance in my life due to what I thought he did not do for my family and me. satan made a home for me and he was working in the darkness of my depression. He was trying to keep me in despair. I had to get rid of him; he needed to be purged from my life!

I tried to look for the positive’s aspects of my life, but I could not find any. Yes, I did have many positives in my life. However, I was so clouded with grief that I could not see the goodness of God in my life. I was choosing to focus on the darkness, the negative, my grief, and pain.

Now do not get me wrong I am not saying that we should not experience our grief and pain, but I am saying it is how we choose to go through it. As long as I was enabling the darkness in my life, it was taking over every aspect of my life. My lack of joy and happiness was centered on that fact I was allowing the darkness to rule.

I think that in the depth of our darkness is where depression finds its roots. I was enabling my residence in darkness and despair. This is also where Satan, the enemy of our soul dwells. If he could keep me in this darkness where my focus was only on my grief and pain, he had control over my emotion and thoughts.

He was the cause of my suicidal thoughts.
He was the cause of my darkness and despair.
He was the cause of the pain I was feeling.
He was the cause of my negative feelings
But, I gave him access.
But, I gave him power over me.
I allowed him to keep me in the darkness!
I allowed him to push God further and further away.
I allowed his voice to dominate God’s voice.
I chose not to pray!
I chose not to have faith and hope in God!
I chose to focus on my grief and only that!

Things had to change in my spiritual walk, or I was not going to survive!

The not so funny thing about this darkness and depression was that everyone thought I was fine! I was strong and resilient, but I was screaming and dying on the inside!

I could have been easily one of those scenarios where if I had decided to commit suicide people would have said, “She seemed so together and doing so well” No one knew the real pain and turmoil I was going through!

I have always told my teens that they could get through any adversity no matter how hard it was because God was always with them! Here I was going through the biggest fight of my life and I could not heed my own words!

I was a hypocrite!

I was a living walking facade!

I was a FAKE!

One night I prayed and cried out to God, “I can’t do this anymore!” I wanted this pain to end, but God grabbed hold of me. You see, he NEVER left me. He was by my side, even in the darkness, in the pain, counteracting the enemy’s voice.

When the enemy was telling me:

I was useless.
I was dumb and I would never finish my degree!
I cannot run this house by myself and do the things that Michael used to do.
My daughters do not respect me the way they respected him.
They would be better off without me!
“You are nothing without him!”
“God does not even want you!”
To say that I was devastated would be an understatement! I was broken!!!
My heart was shattered into a million pieces!!

However, God intervened and told me he still had great things planned for me. My work was not done, and my journey is not complete! God was there with His hand outstretched for me to take it. I not only saw my babies; I saw the people who love me, and I knew I had a choice to make!

I HAD to make a choice to trust God and live!

Set your mind on things that are above and not on things that are on earth. (Colossians 3:2)

I had to purposely set my mind and focus on the things of God. Through a lot of crying, deliberation (with God) and myself, praying, and therapy, I was able to put my focus on the Lord, and not on my circumstance. I was still sad, lonely, broken, and sometimes angry but those are normal feelings when you are going through grief, and I had to go through them, and I am still going through them. Regardless of the deep hole of despair, I was living in, I chose to focus on the positive things in my life.

I had lost focus of the prize.
I had lost focus of God.
I had lost focus of His love for me.

When my focus changed, (Thank you JESUS) I was able to kick the enemy to the curb and focus my concentration on my healing and moving my life forward to the next chapter.

Where the enemy had me convinced, that God had not just forgotten about me but that He had thrown me away, I chose to step out on all the faith I had! I had a foundation that was set long before tragedy had struck and turned my life upside down. I believe that God knew this day was coming and he prepared my family and me! From the time that Michael was diagnosed, we took a stand of FAITH!

“And I will bring the third part through the fire, Refine them as silver is refined, And test them as gold is tested They will call on My name, And I will answer them; I will say, They are My people,’ And they will say, ‘The LORD is my God.” Zechariah 13:9

It may not have been the outcome that we wanted, but it was the one that occurred. I was already equipped with the strength and courage to handle this, but not on my own. I had to plug into the source of my strength, and courage. I had to reconnect with the One who created me and knows me like no other! I had to find my focused again. I had to reconnect with my Lord! It was time! Because I had a voice and a story to tell and it was time to use it!

I am findinng me — This picture was taken the day I made a choice to LIVE and Trust GOD!

Purging my Life “It’s Time for a New Thing” From Grief & Clutter to Joy & Tranquility

February 26, 2019

Good Morning lovelies!!

Before I embarked on this topic, I wanted to list the real definition of purge. To purge means…

1. Rid: (someone or something) of an unwanted quality, condition, or feeling.

2. Free: someone or something from (an unwanted quality, condition, or feeling).

3. Cleanse: clear, purify, wash, shrive, and absolve, free someone from;

4. Remove: get rid of, clear out, sweep out, expel, eject, exclude, evict, dismiss, sack, oust, axe, depose, eradicate, root out, weed out, scour

As I move, further in this new phase of my life and have been cleaning not only spiritually and mentally, but physically as well. I will never forget my Michael. I love and miss him and he will always have a special place in my heart, but I am now finding the joy, peace, calm, harmony, and discovering of who I am and who God is preparing me to become. God said I am about doing something brand new in you! BE READY! I am preparing the way for you!

“Forget about what has happened; don’t keep going over told history.

Be alert be present.

I’m about to do something brand-new.

It’s bursting out!

Don’t you see it?

THERE IT IS!

I’m making a road through the desert, rivers in the badland.”

(Isaiah 43:18-19 MSG)

I am going to break this up into different blogs. I know that I can be very long winded when I write. LOL! However, I want you to get everything I am trying to say. For me, this is a part of my cleansing process but I pray that it helps anyone who is struggling.

I am going to focusing on the four areas that is helping me to move forward in this next chapter of my life.

1. Spiritually

Finding my focus and finally allowing God to heal and love me

2. Mentally

Purging the toxins out of my life and finding Joy again

3. Physically

Purging of my temple to have a healthy heart and body

4. The Home

Purging the House to make it a home of peace and tranquility

This new chapter of my life is requiring me to sacrifice, be committed to His plan, to have faith, and totally trust in God!

I was told, “You can do anything you put your mind to do…and most importantly…be you!” I

I MUST trust God’s freeing process, to be relieved or rid of what restrains, confines, restrict, or embarrassed me. (Merriam Webster, Feb 2019)

So, if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed! (John 8:38)

I must purge… I must rid, free, cleanse, remove.

It’s time for a NEW THING!

YOUR LIFE MATTERS!!

Monday, 3 February 2019

Let me start by saying… I love going to therapy!!

It has been a wonderful process and it has helped my daughters and myself tremendously. I recommend it for anyone whether you think you need it or not. Our mental health is just as important as our physical health. We should never neglect it.

There was an article in Psychology Today that talks about how some African Americans view therapy. A 2008 study, by Alvidrez et al., found that, “African Americans, who were already dealing with mental health issues felt that to talk about their problems with an outsider (i.e. therapist) may be viewed as airings one’s dirty laundry, and even a quarter of those consumers felt that discussions about mental illness would not be appropriate even among family.” The article goes on to explain that some are embarrassed about being labeled one of “those people” and this keeps them from getting the help that they need. The article talks about other concerns regarding the therapist themselves, the treatment process, and of course the cost and lack of insurance coverage. (Psychology Today, Nov 2011) (www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/culturally-speaking/201111/why-african-americans-avoid-psychotherapy)

I am sure other ethnic groups have some of the same beliefs about therapy because of the growing rate of suicides in our nation, and I know in my home growing up and homes of others I have heard these phrases many times:

“What happens at home stays at home”

“Don’t put my business out in the streets”

“Nobody needs to know”

“WE can handle this”

“Just give it time, it will get better”

“This is a secret”

Well theses secrets are killing us. Depression, Grief, and Suicide is real and it is on only becoming more prevalent in our society.

You must realize that any type if mental illness in NOT a personal failure. Seeking the right counsel is imperative to our overall health! If anything is a right step forward to your own personal growth!

There are some judgmental people will say and did say, “Well you said are a Christians, just pray about it.” Yes, this is true, I am a Christian and I did pray about it but I truly believe that GOD placed my therapist in my life has a vessel to be used by GOD to pull me out my depressed state. I knew that, when was researching a therapist for myself, I knew that she had to be a Christian and have a love for God. Proverbs states, “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.” My therapist helped to pull me out of the dark place that I had been living in for months. She reassured me that GOD was not done with my yet and HE had a plan for me and that HE is with me and HE will always be with me and gave me practical guidelines on how to deal with my grieving process.

Therefore, when I hear that the suicide rate is up among active duty military, teens, and veterans I get alarmed. Why is this happening? What can we do to stop it? We have to check in on each other especially if you know someone has been dealing with difficulties in their lives.

Now with all of that being said, I can only speak from my own experience. When I heard about circumstances regarding the death of Christopher St. John, brought back to my remembrance where I was 2 years ago, and I could have slipped easily! However, God said to me in the midst of my despair… “You are stronger than this!” Yes, you had better believe I am still in therapy after almost 2 1/2 years. When I first started going to therapy after I loss Michael I went every other week, crying sobbing, but never kicking and screaming because I knew it was something I needed. I prayed for GOD to send me a Christian therapist who loves HIM as much, if not more than I did. I said, “if not more,” because at the time God and I were not seeing Eye to eye. I had many questions and I was very angry, sad, disappointed, and depressed. It was very hard for me to see God. I knew that He was there, and I still had a deep love for him.

Imagine if your parents and they love you more than their own life and you love them. You asked or you begged for something for months, and then when the day comes for you to get what you asked for… you get nothing.

Your sister asked your parents and got it.

Your brother asked your parents and got it!

Your friend from down the street asked your parents and got it!

Your parents never outright said you were going to get what you asked for you just considered their record and you knew you were going to get it, but you did not. How do you feel?

That is exactly how I felt. I did not love God any less, I did not hate Him, I did not stop believing in Him, I was just disappointed, for me that disappointment turned in to depression, desperation, and fear and once all of that set in I could not see anything ahead. I knew God had a reason and a plan for all that had taken place, but I could not see that and I felt there was no future for me just death. I prayed for God to help me. I did not want to leave my daughters, but I was too busy thinking about feeling and myself from all the pain. But I knew that God was stronger than what I was going through.

My PCM (Primary Care Manager) suggested that I see the on staff social worker. I saw him a couple of times, it helped a little, and he suggested that I seek out someone more long term. I told Him it had to be a Christian therapist. I saw a couple of therapists but no one I saw was the right person. There was one more on my list and I went to see here. At first, it was the typical visit. We sat down and she said tell me what has been going on (which is how she starts all of our sessions.) Well we get out the tissues and I start talking. There was something different when I started talking with her. When I finished talking, she said, “Lolita, first thing I want to tell you… God loves you and He is always with you”. I knew she was the right therapist for me. Now two years later it is like talking to an old friend once a month. She is helping me reevaluate my life and navigate the new life I was forced to live. Now it does not seem so forced I am discovering many things about me that I like and some I need to work on. I believed that the enemy would have loved to keep me my depressed little ball casted out to the darkness! But I knew that God made me STRONGER than anything that he tried to throw at me!

Therapists are here to help us. They have training and tool that can help us navigate what going on in our head. It is important to see the right therapist. You may have to see a few before you find the therapist that is right for you. Just as you did research to find your family doctor, or a surgeon, it is imperative that you do the same for your therapist.

Suicide is NEVER the answer!
Suicide is preventable, but everyone’s help is needed.

If you or someone you know:

Feeling depressed
Lack of interest in activities once enjoyed
Irritability
Anger
Anxiety
Shame or humiliation
Mood swings
Isolating from others
Not communicating with friends or family
Giving away possessions or writing a will
Driving recklessly
Increased aggression
Increased drug and alcohol use
Searching about suicide on the Internet
Gathering materials (pills or a weapon)
Experience bullying
Lose someone close to them
Experience physical, emotional, or sexual abuse
Abuse drugs or alcohol
Have a history of mental illness
Feel uncertain about their sexual orientation

You are NEVER ALONE… Please reach out….
Call 1-800-273-8255
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Have a Blessed Day in the LORD
I love you all!

Letting the Word of GOD Work against Our Problems

January 15, 2019

I had a phenomenal weekend hanging out with my beautiful Sorors of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc for my 1^st Founders Day Celebrations! We celebrated 106 glorious years of our sisterhood! If you know me, then you know this is definitely a dream come true for me. It was thirty plus years in the making!

This morning I heard such a good word on both of my prayer lines, so I just had to share!

Many of you know I love music and I love to sing. One of my favorite songs that we sing in church is called, “Trading my Sorrows”

I’m trading my sorrows
And I’m trading my shame
And I’m laying it down
For the joy of the Lord

And I’m trading my sickness
And I’m trading my pain
I’m laying it, laying it, laying it down
For the joy of the Lord

I’m pressed but not crushed
Persecuted, not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed

And I am blessed beyond the curse
For His PROMISE will endure
That His joy is going to be my strength

Though my sorrows may last for the night,
His joy comes with the morning

The words to this song have taken special meaning to me in the past few years.

I can tell you from my own life experiences, I have has my share of difficulties in these past few years but I can tell you this…

I am never defeated, dejected, hopeless, or destroyed. God plucked my out of the darkness, where I wanted to stay and die, and HE broke through that curse of depression that the enemy tired to place over my life. I prayed and I read GOD healing words of love, redemption, and his promises to me.

Minister Kai told us to “Stand on the word of GOD and let it bless you.” He said, “Let the word do what it is going to do.”

“So is my word that goes out from my mouth: it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. (Isaiah 55:11)

Meaning, wait on the LORD and let his word accomplish its purposes for our life.

My Sis Aisha Dudley said in our team prayer this morning, we are NOT to focus on our problems for put our energy and our focus towards the PROMISES of GOD.

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. (Hebrews 10:23)

No matter what the enemy throws at us, no matter what it may looks like, no matter what it may feel like we have to focus on the PROMISES of the LORD and know that HE has already won the victory! Without LORD, we can accomplish nothing. He has HIS plans for our life already laid out for us we just need to continue to hold on and believe that with God NOTHING is impossible.

I know that my LORD PROMISES:

Peace
Deliverance
Prosperity
Love
Joy
Happiness
And so much more (read HIS Word)

Jesus replied, “What is impossible with man is possible with GOD. (Luke 18:27)

I can testify that my sorrows may have lasted for a night but HIS amazing, remarkable, supernatural, joy always come in the morning! I have traded all my sickness, shame, worry doubt, and I have laid it down for the JOY of the LORD

Have a Blessed Day in the LORD
I love you all!

GOD IS A PROMISE KEEPER

January 9, 2019 29176916_10155840453587702_2260606173760052010_n

My Brother in Christ that hosts a prayer line that I am a part of, Minister Kai Brown was telling us this morning that is we are waiting on a break through to hold on its coming because GOD is a promise keeper. Now, when I made my prayer request this morning I asked for clarity and direction, I had no idea of the prayer focus. (GOD knew).

When you go through a major tragedy, your life takes on a new life, new goals, and new directions. It seems like to you GOD is placing on a new path. However, if God is the all-knowing GOD that we KNOW HE is… then HE already knows what you are going thorough and what you will go through. Since GOD has all the wisdom and knowledge… HE already has us on the right path!

So, when we have things change in our lives:
We lose a job
We have to relocate due to the military or our job
We get an upsetting report form the doctor
We lose some one we thought we would spend the rest of love with
When we have anything that does not align with what we perceive as our right path

We need to; no, we MUST tap in to the all-knowing infinite wisdom of the LORD. We need to pray and seek HIS wisdom and direction for our life. We do not know exactly what GOD has in store for us, but we do know that GOD is a PROMISE KEEPER and we have to believe that our blessings are on the way. Just has GOD made and fulfilled his promise to Abram/Abraham, trust and believe that HE will do the same for us, because HE loves us with an everlasting love!

I love this song from Sister Act 2, “Joyful Joyful” It reminds of the scripture that says, “Weeping endures for a night, but JOY comes in the morning.” (Psalm 30:5)

“Melt the clouds of sin, sin, and sadness
Drive the dark of doubt away
Drive it away
Giver of immortal gladness
Fill us
Fill us with the light of day
Light of day

If you ask the LORD, he will drive all this sin, sadness, doubt, and roll the dark clouds away and be filled with is marvelous joy, life, and light by the our precious JESUS!

Darkness can and not ever live with the light!

I love you all!
Have a Marvelous, Blessed, and Amazing Day!

It’s A New Season

January 4, 2019

There is a song that my teen choir sings called, “It’s A New Season”

“It’s a new season, it’s a new day
A fresh anointing is flowing my way
It’s a season of power and prosperity
It’s a new season coming to me”

When Michael passed, it left a tremendous void in my life. For a while, I did not know what I was going to do or how I was going to survive the next second. Every aspect of my life totally changed. Every dream, every goal, my future plans, even my own purpose had to be reconfirmed, redefined, and reevaluated.

When tragedy strikes in your life, we have to take the time to reevaluate our lives. While I was learning to live through my worst nightmare, I still had to learn who I was without him, and rediscover who I am with GOD.

The year of 2016 was the worst her of my entire life. We went from diagnoses, treatment, and then death.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

The year of 2017 was a year of crying, anger, sadness, depression, love, connection, healing, learning, prayer, and trusting in GOD.
“Weeping may stay for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.” Psalm 30:5

SO, last year, 2018, was a season of rediscovery, redefining who I am, and who GOD is now molding me to become. The LORD helped me to make some dreams a reality.
“But now, O Lord, You are our Father; we are the clay, and You our potter; and all we are the work of Your hand.” (Isaiah 64:8)

This year, 2019 is a new year and a brand new season.
BUT, let me tell you what is NOT going to happen.
There will be…

No fear
No hesitation
No room for regrets
No negativity
No doubts
No limits
No boundaries
No running
No excuses
No attitudes
No anger
No hate
No darkness
No worries

This Year…
I will let my faith be bigger than my fears.
I will continue to trust in GOD.
I will be stronger
I will be braver
I will love and love hard
I will be happy
I will serve
I will grow
I will live my life with purpose
I will worry less and pray more
I will expect the unexpected
I will be persistent in my dreams and goals
I will NOT GIVE UP!
I will NOT GIVE IN!

I am not sure what you are going through in this phase of your life but know this… GOD is always in control and he is only a prayer away. Maybe this is your year for rediscovery, growth, or increase.
Is this your year to not only step outside of box but to crush the box?
Only you can look deep into yourself and determine this.

My prayer is, LORD, I know you are always by my side and I know I have a fresh anointing coming!
“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6)

Lord I am ready to move to the next level.
Lord, I am ready to CRUSH the BOX!

In JESUS NAME… AMEN

I Love you all
Have an Amazing and Blessed Day!

Good Bye 2018: My Year of Discovery

December 31, 2018

As I bid goodbye to 2018, I thank GOD and I look back on lessons learned and the accomplishments I have made.

I have accomplished some lifelong goal in the past two years. God has blessed my girls and myself with some wonderful people in our lives who have become our “Village” and “Our Tribe.” In 2018, they have seen us through and prayed with us through some tough times in our life. They have also celebrated, applauded, remembered, and honored along with us. Never any judgment only love.

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We celebrated Michael’s 50th Birthday with a “Thank You Dinner” for our village.

In 2018, I have stepped out on faith and started some new and wonderful journeys. I have discovered my own voice, navigating, and finding my way as the LORD plans the course for the rest of my life. I have said good-bye to more friends and family than I wanted too, but I take joy and I praise GOD knowing they are all in capable hands.

I have also added to my family when my 13 Line Sisters (14 M.I.L.E.S To The Crimson DynaSTy) and I were initiated into the illustrious sisterhood of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc.

Therefore, it is with bittersweet regrets that I bid adieu to 2018, but I cannot leave without mentioning some of the “Blessings in the Storm” I have navigated in 2018…

In 2018, I have discovered that:

I have chosen to come “Out of the Darkness”and live in and with the LIGHT.

I will “Never Ever, Give Up”, because God is in control and HIS grace and mercy surrounds me.

“There is Good News” I have the joy of the LORD in my heart and I am never alone.

Because the LORD is in my life and my heart, I know that “It Is Well with My Soul”

Life is so short, and tomorrow is not promised to any of us so don’t live in regrets, “Love Hard”

God is amazing and His love is unconditional “He Is a Mighty God”

God has great things planned for me and I am ready, so “Fear is Not in My Vocabulary”

I am learning to overcome the obstacles of my life and my past because I know that “I Am a Survivor,” and I know that with GOD I can do anything because Christ gives me the strength.

“Dear Future, I am ready” I can, and I have the right to be excited for the next phase in my life.

“God is in Control” of my life and I have no reason to fear it!

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WELCOME 2019

We have taken some knocks and obtained some bumps and bruises along this life’s road, but we still stand strong.

We have walked through the valley of the shadow of death, but we continue to be victorious because, we know to whom we belong.

We will never give in and never give up on what the Lord has planned. We have given HIM all things and placed them under his command.

So come on in 2019 we are not afraid of you, We will wait, watch, fast, and pray to see what the Lord will do.

Family and Friends, all the ones we hold dear, We pray that you have a Very Merry Christmas and a God Blessed New Year! (LJL)

I love you all

Have a Blessed and Prosperous 2019!

Merry Christmas Eve

December 24, 2018

Hey everyone! I have not been writing as frequently as I would like. I think I must have had some sort of writer’s block. I love to write but I have not been able to focus on writing. So, here I am at 2:30 AM and I get an urge to write.

I know all of my writing this year have been focused on grief and my grief journey. Michael’s death jump started my writing because it was fueled by my grief, sadness, depression, and unhappiness. My therapist discovered that I love to write, and this has been a great tool for me, because for two years I had an outlet to pour out my grief, sadness and unhappiness. It has been very therapeutic for me to write about what I was experiencing and feeling. God always has a way of taking your most painful moments, moments you never thought you would survive in a million years. He took my struggles, trials and tribulations, and made them into lifelong learning lessons and testimonies to further encourage myself and others. He is so amazing that way!

I have not always been happy, but I have always had genuine, deep down, soul saving, joy in my heart. Because I made that choice to embrace joy, it never went away, even in the midst of grief my Jesus given JOY never went away. Nothing will separate me from the love of God.

“And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (Romans 8:38-39) God’s unfailing love is amazing!!

My life is happy once again. I am doing and experiencing things that I have never done. I am accomplishing lifelong dreams, and I know there is so much more to come. I am loving life! Life is too short to live with regrets. You only get one life and you must live it to the fullest. I have these past three Christmas Season that life is what you make of it. You can choose to wallow in self-pity blaming the world for everything or you can choose how you live in it with all of its ups and downs. One of my favorite scriptures is “I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13) This means that no matter what I am going through the Lord will see me through it. The Lord is giving me a high-five and saying, “We got this!”

So, I am saying to you for this Christmas Season always remember the real meaning and reason for this season, no matter what you are going through. No matter what road you are on in your life, pray, have faith, and trust God that all roads leads to Him. In Him you will find your joy, peace, and love. Then from there you will find your direction in this life and discover the road to find your happiness once again.

I love you all

and Merry Christmas Eve!

Day 8 – 10 Day Walk Out of the Valley of Darkness Survival (continued existence)

This blog post is worth repeating…

Blessing in the Storm

Day 8

October 23, 2019

Survival (continued existence)

On Day 8, three years ago, as I sat and watched a beautiful, well-lived life diminish from this reality, I could not help but think about my own existence. When you are faced with someone else’s mortality, you can’t help but think about your own.

However, on day 8 today, we are faced with another life gone too soon by their own hands. Another mother, father, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends left in the aftermath. I have always been very intentional and upfront about my own experiences with suicide and depression, and I have promised that I will tell my testimony when it is needed and requested.

I am so glad that on the night I was home alone and I was faced with the agonizing decision if I wanted to end my life that Lord inserted into my head…

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Whose report will you believe?

Faith & Trust or Fear? The choice is always yours.

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It requires us to have something… FAITH

It requires us to take some action… pray, petition, and or (if needed) seek therapy

It requires something from us… total surrender

It requires us to be somewhere… In a position to receive

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***Video and Picture courtesy of Youtube[Merlin] The Malaco Music Group (on behalf of Malaco Records); Peermusic, BMI – Broadcast Music Inc., and 2 Music Rights Societies (James Clevland and Albertina Walker)

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The Body

The Heart

Life-Long Goal #1: Bachelor’s Degree

Life-Long Goal #2: Membership

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1 Axelrod, J. (2019). The 5 Stages of Grief & Loss. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 14, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/

2 2019 Proactive Change and Proactive Coach https://proactivechange.com/stress/grief-stages.htm

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“being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6 )

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Video and Picture courtesy of Youtube[Merlin] The Malaco Music Group (on behalf of Malaco Records); Peermusic, BMI – Broadcast Music Inc., and 2 Music Rights Societies

(James Clevland and Albertina Walker)***

¹ Axelrod, J. (2019). The 5 Stages of Grief & Loss. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 14, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/

² 2019 Proactive Change and Proactive Coach https://proactivechange.com/stress/grief-stages.htm

^“being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6 )