Learning How to Breathe Again
Purging the Toxins Out of My Mind & Finding Joy Again
May 10, 2019
Good Afternoon Lovelies!!
Here is part 3 of Purging my Life. Sorry for the long break; my life got hectic. Between church and my sorority, I did not have time to blog, but I did write and capture thoughts of how I was feeling. I am continuing this journey of purging my life to my mental health. I think this blog comes in handy as May is Mental Health Month, and if you have been reading my blog, you know I am a big advocate of therapy and taking care of our mental health. Remember, if you even think you need to talk to a therapist, do it anyway.
I know my last post was super long, so I will break this one up because it is getting long as I write.
You have to know that I was in therapy during this time of my Spiritual renewal. Michael transitioned on October 25, 2016, and I went into therapy in January 2017. This was not so hard for me. I have already discussed the need for therapy when you are depressed, near depression, or even thinking about depression. I am, and I have always been an advocate for therapy! I believe that God has people he has gifted in this area in dealing with our minds and how we think and act.
I can only speak for myself, but I needed someone to help me sort through all the pain, anger, sadness, and grief I was experiencing so I could SEE and KNOW that God was still with me.
The pain I was feeling, He was feeling as well. Yes, prayer changes things, and prayer works. I did pray; however, how could I sincerely pray to God when I was holding Him responsible for not answering my prayer, many prayers, and for “taking away” someone I loved? I could not hear from Him because I was closed off. I did not want to hear from Him because I was angry and hurt. I went through all the motions, but my mind was everywhere but on God. My prayers were empty prayers derived from my traditional needs, not my heart. It was like a muscle reaction, something I always did.
Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:6)
What is Grief?
According to Merriam-Webster, “Deep and poignant distress caused by of as if by bereavement; a cause of such suffering; an unfortunate outcome” (3Mar2019)
Greif through the ages:
Latin – gravis-to weigh down; gravare- to make heavy
Old French – grever– to burden, afflict, grief – oppress, injustice or misfortune
English – grief – mental suffering & deep sorrow (Loveliveson.com)
For me, grief is the painful, emotional, agonizing, loving, heartfelt way to show how much you care for a person that has transitioned out of this life. If you grieve for a person, you genuinely care or love that person.
I believe how you grieve depends on the person you are grieving for…
My mother, Betty Florence (Shaw) Williams, died when I was very young from Cervical Cancer when I was 5. Sadly, I do not remember much about her, just a few memories here and there. However, I do remember grieving for her, especially in my teen years when every girl wants her mother. Therefore, that grief was situational. My grief for my mom depended on the situation. Some of her Birthdays and many Mother’s days were hard, and people could be insensitive. I have heard everything from “Well you did not know her” to “It has been long enough for you to be over it.”
My grief for my Grandfather and Grandmothers, Lister Shaw, Hunter Florence (Heath) Shaw, Mary (Hayes) Williams, and my Mother in Law, Hattie Law (She passed at 55 in 2002), was more profound because I had a relationship with them. Still, you always expect them to pass before you do.
I cannot imagine the grief of a parent, and I am not going to compare it to hers, but I did witness it firsthand when my mother passed. I experienced the aftermath of my Grandmother’s grief. She never got over my mother’s death. She coped with it the best way she could, and some practices were unhealthy. She would drink her sorrows away, so I lived with a grandmother/caregiver who was an alcoholic. Of course, this adversely affected my life growing up because I never outlived my mother’s shadow, and had to help my grandmother deal with her grief. I knew that I needed help because; I was not going to put myself or my daughters through this nightmare.
The grief of a spouse at a young age is also an unbearable pain. You expect to spend your life together; you have hopes and dreams for a future, and then in an instant, it is gone, and you are left with nothing but a heart that was broken into a million pieces and a broken, fractured future. I knew I had to pick up the pieces of my life and try to put it back together again. This is where I needed therapy. I could not pray, drink, or ignore these feelings. Away, although I tried, nothing worked. Therefore, I HAD to seek help, but had to find the right therapist.
Be Blessed and
I love you all,